One of the biggest stories in the news last week involved the shocking and potentially life altering information that dogs crap on a North-South axis. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that grant money was spent researching such an important, earth-shattering topic. I’m resting better already knowing my dogs aren’t just trying to piss me off when they take 45 minutes to poo. Apparently our dogs have the same problems with the orientation of North as I do, because it takes both of them forever to decide in which direction to point their ICC bumpers before dropping their load.
I’m certain the researchers on this project will probably never use their job descriptions on a future resume. As goofy as my job is and as surprised as I am that I get paid for it, it’s still not as crazy as being the person on the team who programs a GPS to record the orientation of a dog’s butt. I’m fairly certain there were also video techs used, so being the guy who attaches a GoPro to a K-9 anus is really a job. The most normal task involved with the whole thing would be the pooper scooper, and they probably could have told everyone dogs poop North-South without all the scientific hubub, bub.
The article did raise valid questions for me, though. George has a habit of circling the lots, sometimes three or four times, before shutting down. By this time of the day (or night), I’m usually so ready to get out of the truck that the three or four do-si-dos are torture. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut — he has his reasons for doing everything and they’re usually valid. In fact, I’m going to get together a proposal for a ginormous grant to find out if truckers circle the lots because they have a microscopic gyroscope in their brains that causes them to seek an East-West axis before parking.
I’d bet my eye teeth there’s an office attached to Washington that hands out money for studies such as this. Someone’s sister-in-law needed a job, so they created the “Fund For Dumb Stuff” and gabillions of tax dollars are doled out to study everything from the heartbreak of halitosis in baby warthogs to studies involving the benefits of replacing your toenails with Luna moths. These things sound ridiculous, but remember, without such a thirst for knowledge the human race wouldn’t have come up with things like warning labels, which were invented specifically to keep idiots alive and breeding. Progress, people, progress.
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