Dear Carolyn,
My husband has just started insisting on the occasional night out with “the boys.” I know all the guys he’s going out with, and they are all good buddies with good marriages or relationships. All they do is go to a bar and then go back to one of their houses to play cards. In my brain, I know it’s good for us to have our own interests and our own sets of friends. But in my heart, I feel left out and jealous. Why would he want to go out with the boys when he could be with me? Please help me get through this. I don’t want to be one of “those” kinds of women.
Jessie
Dear Jessie,
A lot of women angst unnecessarily over boys’ night out. I think it’s good for the marriage to have some time apart. I realize that the trucking life keeps you apart plenty, but it’s good for guys to be with other guys too. They crave friendship as much as we do only they don’t have all of our friendship nurturing skills. My suggestion is that you set up a fun girls thing on the same night he’s got his boys thing. Go to a chick flick or out to eat or just have some friends over for a gabfest. That way, you have all the rest of the home time together.
It sounds like you have a strong marriage. Don’t go all clingy and jealous on it.
I’m just say’n.
Dear Carolyn,
I’m tired of all the clutter and chaos that I face when I come home from being on the road. My wife works, and we have three small kids, so I don’t want to complain. But it’s really starting to get to me. I spend all my home time cleaning up the mess, doing laundry, grocery shopping and keeping up the yard. I still have to find time to do stuff with the kids and keep up with my paperwork. We can’t afford a cleaning service. How can I get this family to all pull their weight around the house? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for a little help.
Johnny
Dear Johnny,
You need to hold an old-fashioned, Come to Jesus summit. Gather the family around the kitchen table and tell them what you’ve just told me. You and your wife need to be on the same page with this. Assign chores that are appropriate to their ages. Even the smallest ones can pick up their own toys after playing. You and your wife need to negotiate the rest of the duties. It should not all fall on you, but on the other hand, when you are not there, it’s all falling on her. So take a deep breath and start making charts. These are the kinds of things that grow into monsters. You want to starve it as soon as possible.
I’m just say’n.
Dear Carolyn,
I can’t help it, but I’m afraid I’m not “in love” with my wife anymore. She’s a great gal, and we have a good life. But that spark is missing. In fact, it was never there. We got married young, she was pregnant and all of that. Now that the kids are gone, it’s more obvious than ever that we have very little in common. I don’t want to be the guy who walks out but the idea of spending the rest of my life this way seems very depressing. What should I do?
Jake
Dear Jake,
If I had a dollar for every, “I’m not in love anymore” letter, I’d be retired on a tropical island, sipping fruity drinks with little umbrellas in them. You are not supposed to be “in love” after the first 6 months or so of a relationship. That’s just the chemistry that gets you together. The rest is a lifetime of building memories, raising a family, enjoying the benefits of monogamy. And yes, there are some. Get happy with yourself, and the rest of it will fall into place. It’s not your wife’s job to provide you with the internal motivation to enjoy life and to wring the joy from it. That’s your job. Get a hobby, follow a passion, adopt a dog. If you do all those things and you still yearn for a little chemical love, then I can’t stop you from doing what you want to do. But for now, just wait it out.
I’m just say’n.
