George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Morbid March

| March 18, 2013

giant white rabbitMarch is a busy month this year. It happens to be one of those years in which you can celebrate getting schnockered and divine resurrection in the same 31-day span. Also, there will be candy and gaily-colored boiled eggs delivered by a giant rabbit who has a cloak of invisibility. (Apparently he also has opposable thumbs, because there ain’t no way he can get those little plastic eggs apart and back together without them.) There is a distinct possibility for Momma’s Easter ham, and white shoes and purses are definitely on the menu. I’m exhausted thinking about the wardrobe changes alone.

You have to admit, the celebrations this time of year are a little morbid and death is definitely a theme. Even the flower for the month is Narcissus, and as beautiful as they are I can never look at one without thinking of the stupid dude who stared at himself until he died. Really, guy?

St. Patrick drove snakes from Ireland and invented the pub crawl (although all evidence suggests post-glacial Ireland didn’t have snakes anyway, the pub crawl continues to be very real and well-documented). Caesar didn’t beware the Ides and was assassinated at a party, Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and scared the snot out of Mary Magdalene by disappearing from his tomb. (I like to think of that scenario like an episode of Punk’d for God. He watched from above while she freaked out and yelled, “Oh my God, I lost dead Jesus!” And he laughed and laughed. I totally believe God plays jokes, how else do you explain a platypus? It’s a mammal that comes in an egg. Whaaa? I digress…)

Where the hell does a giant invisible rabbit with opposable thumbs come in? And why can’t I wear white shoes in the winter time? Does anyone else think a giant rabbit with the ability to get into your house and squeeze your neck is terrifying?

This March has definitely come in like a lion, with snow and ice and generally hazardous conditions on the roads all over the country. George has driven through some awful stuff, we spent three days in snow, wind and rain that were scarier than any giant rabbit. You really have no appreciation for how hard it is for the drivers to keep those trucks on the road in those conditions until you sit beside a huge, strong man who is fighting a steering wheel with both hands for hours on end. It’s like watching the Old Man and the Sea, only with trucks instead of marlins. It’s exhausting to watch, I can only imagine what it’s like to actually do.

Be careful out there. Be aware of the weather and keep the shiny side up. We can celebrate all the death, but we don’t want to participate in any of it. Also, take heed that there are more Sasquatch sightings in March than any other month of the year. I’m fairly certain there’s a direct correlation between this and the giant bunny, but that’s another story. I’ll let you know when Harvard publishes the paper on it.

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