satire

A brief history of extortion

From the ship of Captain John Jacob Brake: "Our ship was lured to the aid of the nefarious Captain Lucifer Von Ahab with a false appointment time, and we were snared in the grasp of his safety ropes before he viciously raised the grocery warehouse flag."

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Let’s go truckin’

"Who wouldn't want to hit the wide open road for a few weeks? All the freedom and glamor, not to mention making tons of money while traveling. But first, you gotta get legal ... Just make sure you've got enough left over to pay the lumpers."

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Mortality is no longer a lawful option

“We as a Nation are safe and we must strive to be safer. In order to prove how safe we are, we are introducing legislation that makes dying a federal offense, punishable by a frownie face on your CIA dossier and up to ten years in the pen.”

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When Bessie’s butt attacks

"I have it on good authority that by the year 2020, all cow butts will be equipped with DPF systems." ... On the upside, noted a glass-half-full type of observer: "When the DPF catches fire, you got steaks!”

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PROBE goes on the warpath

This just in: Everything is banned, and what isn't banned is immediately and henceforth considered offensive and/or dangerous to the entire human condition.

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Canada to move to Mexico if Trump is elected

As this report was going to press, developing news suggested Mexico had fired back with an announcement it would be relocating to Canada if Hillary Clinton is elected President of the United States in November, causing much concern over whether or not there will be a tear in the space-time continuum when migrating countries collide.

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Confessions of a two-timing writer

Wendy asks for forgiveness for fiction: "I'll make it up by continuing to report the real-life road weird, and promise to never intertwine the two -- unless, of course, I'm telling one of my filthy lies."

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Scoot McGutbagger and the 62 mph truck

A talk with that famous driver also referred to as “that guy in a governed truck who won't stay out of the passing lanes,” though he prefers the title “Super-Duper Trucker” to anything else.

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When the bees stopped helping the potatoes

"Don't send a potato to represent the interests of the grapes. Also, if you're going to wine, put it in the right cask. One more thing: don't poop in your own vineyard and expect to have a lot of visitors, especially from worker bees."

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Future’s so bright, I gotta wear lead underwear

"I'm not sure where all these people who are envisioning a rash of child molesters grabbing kids in the bathroom ... are coming from – or what bathrooms they're sending their kids unattended into ..."

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