Just a few things I’ve learned so far from riding:
(1) DO NOT BLOCK THE MIRRORS. The truck (or the driver) will explode and we will all die a horrible death if you do.
(2) Do not gasp or say, “Oh my freaking Lord!” unless you hair is on fire or a member of the Taliban has suddenly popped out of the top bunk with an RPG aimed at your face.
(3) Leave all cabinets closed while moving. A box of vanilla wafers can become a lethal weapon at 65 miles an hour on a bumpy highway. Also, it’s very difficult to find all of the vanilla wafers that fly out of the box, and the trucker gets a little testy when there are vanilla wafer crumbs all over his steering wheel.
(4) Do not ask, “Are we there yet?” You will be reminded (quite frostily) that you are ALWAYS there when you’re in the truck, the motion is just a side effect and necessary to get the goods to wherever they need to go.
(5) There are no tanning beds at truck stops, and people may make fun of you if you ask where they are.
(6) Do not attempt to do yoga on the bunk while in motion. This not only aggravates the driver, it becomes a personal hazard when your downward facing dog is slammed into the side of an always rigid truck.
(7) No one cares if you’re hungry, have to pee, or are bored. That’s YOUR problem.
(8) Truck stop bathrooms do not have make-up mirrors, and people may make fun of you if you ask where they are.
(9) Do not, under any circumstances, eat the boiled eggs they sell at truck stops. I have it on good authority that said eggs are to be collected by the National Guard and hoarded as weapons of mass destruction. They are in no way fit for human consumption.
(10) There is a fingernail polish vortex in the cab of all big trucks. No matter how careful you are or how many paper towels you lay out, little dots of polish will magically appear on every visible surface of the truck when you’re done polishing your toenails. I do not recommend it, unless you like your trucker good and pissed off.
(11) Almost everyone on the CB is lying about something.
(12) There is no maid service in truck stop parking lots, and the girls who offer it are most certainly not from the front desk. FYI.
(13) The Iowa 80 Truck stop is not only in Iowa. Make sure you’re not in North Carolina at the Iowa 80 before you go and tell everyone you’re in Iowa. (This may or may not have happened to me. Twice.)
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