Oregon, beautiful Oregon. If there’s not a song with those words in it, there should be. Wild and wonderful, the state with everything: mountains, beaches, rivers, farmland and cities. We were both completely in love with Oregon and ready to move there until our friendly tax professional, “Crunch the numbers Christine,” told us the income tax is astronomical. It also appears to be infested with skinny pale people who fancy themselves vampires. These slight young creatures can be found in their natural habitat of the local mall, furtively searching for the skinniest of jeans and hair care products that can withstand fisticuffs with the local werewolves.
I was unaware of the vampire revolution going on all around me. I never read any of the Twilight books. I assumed they were for children and never became interested. I read Anne Rice in the 90s, and as far as I’m concerned, her vampires are the only ones that exist. Louis and Lestat would have lain waste to these weepy, glittery adolescent vampires portrayed in the new stories. They were rock stars with an evil mummy and a thousand-year story, so yeah, much better than the teenage angst vampires.
Apparently we were traveling close to where some of this atrocity was filmed. There were billboards with Twilight references everywhere. A small diner advertised the “Twilight Special.”
“Hey, let’s go have a ‘Twilight Special’.”
“Twilight like the vampire movie, or twilight like the time of day?”
“I think they’re referring to the movie.”
“Then no. Gross. What’s the Twilight Special? A pint of O negative?”
“Ha ha! I didn’t even think about that. I wonder if they have a werewolf special?”
“Fresh warthog, ground right at the table.”
“Do werewolves eat warthogs?”
“I have no idea.”
“That would be an awesome cage match. Werewolf and a warthog. Who would win?”
“Obviously the warthog, since there’s no such thing as werewolves.”
“I don’t know. There may be werewolves. What if half the Sasquatch sightings are actually werewolves?”
“Then we still don’t have anything to worry about because no one has seen Sasquatch.”
“Heretic. Non-believer. He’s out there, I tell you. People see him all the time.”
“Babe, the general public does a lot of drugs and drinks a lot.”
“Really? How do I get in on this ‘general public’ thing?”
The owner of a Texas drug testing company was debarred by the FMCSA for three ...