George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Walmarts and aliens in our midst

| August 17, 2012

Traveling through Texas, Oklahoma and Wyoming reminds me that as crowded as the world may seem sometimes, there are some truly wide-open spaces out there. We can go for a hundred miles and never see another human, gas station or (gasp) Walmart on some of the state routes through the West. The scenery is as breathtaking as it is dangerous and scary.

I’m eternally watchful for unusual animals and humanoids, because I’m pretty sure there are aliens in Texas and Sasquatch roams free in Oklahoma. The aliens don’t even try to hide any more, they blend right in at the seventeen million Walmarts. And that’s just in Texas. I have it on good authority that Walmart is planning on building a Walmart next door to every Walmart already in operation. As a matter of fact, the new political party slated to take over the United States is, you guessed it, Walmart. The future landscape of America is Walmart. Eventually we will all live in the parking lots of Walmart. We’ll grow our food in the Lawn and Garden section, dress in jumpsuits fashioned from plastic Walmart bags, and hunt our meat and fish in the Pet Department. I understand that Teddy Bear hamster is pretty tasty, and if you boil Black Mollies long enough, the bones get soft and easy to chew.

My husband takes all of this in stride, and just keeps rolling while I imagine horrible things happening all around us.

“Do you think if a Sasquatch ran out in front of us it would total the truck?”

“I think I would see a giant, hairy ape-man running across the desert in time to stop the truck. There’s no place for them to hide out here.”

“Well that’s where you’re wrong. They’re wiley. I think the aliens have given them invisibility cloaks so they can sneak up on us.”

“I find it very unusual that you’re only afraid of imaginary things. You wouldn’t hesitate to run into the middle of a bar fight to drag the wounded out, but you won’t leave the truck after dark because you’re afraid of Sasquatch.”

“That’s because they’re not imaginary, Mr. Smarty Pants. They count on people like you, who let their guard down, so they can eat your face off.”

“So aliens and Sasquatch only eat faces off? Seems wasteful.”

“They leave the bodies for the zombies.”

“Well now it all makes perfect sense.”