I have it on good authority that New York City is overflowing with dead bodies. Well, maybe not good authority, and possibly bordering on vicious slander and innuendo territory, but I heard it and it piqued my interest. Because who doesn’t love a good dead body story, am I right?
It’s been told around the CB campfire that the Government is paying reefer drivers to haul thousands of unclaimed dead bodies out of the city. The bodies haven’t been claimed or reported about because they supposedly belong to the community of homeless people who live in subways. According to the story, they were trapped when flood doors closed and no one ever reported on it because they were homeless. Now the government is trying to get the bodies out of the city before someone like Wolf Blitzer stumbles over one and starts a crazy news freakstorm over it.
I immediately e-mailed my editor (the ever elusive and sometimes famous Max Heine) with the inside information on my fabulous scoop. I email this poor man with most of my ideas and fervently hope that he never feels the need to turn any of said emails over to mental health professionals. I’ve gone back and read through some of them, and taken out of context most could be considered the ramblings of a psychopath. I have no idea why this person continues to speak to me, but I’m glad he does, and I’m pretty thankful for him.
While I was waiting for his reply (even though I refer to him as elusive, he’s pretty good about returning emails real quick), I got to thinking about the ramifications of hauling dead bodies in trailers used for food products. Is that even legal? What placard is used? Does it have a smiley face with XX for eyes? How often is there a need for an entire trailer dedicated just to dead bodies? It was at that moment I made up my mind never to eat another chicken finger because, hey, you just never know. All I could think of was Charlton Heston screaming, “They’re human fingers!!”
Max told me rumors like that tend to circulate around any disaster area, and although it would be incredibly awful if it were true, it probably isn’t. I really hope he’s right, but I’m still not eating chicken fingers. Take that, Soylent Green.
"Until a formal regulation is established with clear guidelines and borders ...