Wendy Parker

Is that a chuck roast in your purse, or are you just happy to see me?

Why no, Wendy tells the questioner -- only top round for this discerning shopper. Sometimes, catching a Goodwill 50-percent-off sale is hard.

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Notes on possible alien abductions

"It's stressful living near the only widely-known storage facility for captive aliens. Wright Patterson Air Force Base is probably designated by spacemen far and wide as the Guantanamo of the Milky Way."

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Aunt Wendy’s gifts for oddly-shaped children

"Here I go again, waiting until the first of December to start work on hand-made Christmas gift items for 42 people," including what appears to the naked eye to be a ruffle-covered tactical vest for a neckless infant.

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You’ll put your eye out with that thing

The story of cousin George nearly putting his eye out with his CB mic: “No honey, self-inflicted head injuries are never cool. Now rest up, so you can be a plumber or lawyer when you grow up..."

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The rules of dunnage

A hallmark of a flatbedder mind-set, even running around town on home time: "Trucking never ceases to be interesting, I learn new things each and every ... Hey, is that a two-by-four? Pull over, I'll jump out and get it ..."

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Certified Air: The Lollipop Diaries

Wendy resumes the "Certified Air" fiction series with the tale of how Emily Larson became Esmerelda Lollipop in Certified Air ... "Like the half-chips, ICE unit phasing was done quickly, and mistakes were made. Esmerelda Lollipop was one of those mistakes...."

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Tinkers, Beans and Crow Wings

Wendy's message of Thanksgiving this year for much, particularly "three people who stand out in my mind as I write this piece" -- Tinker Raasch, her friend Bean and Jim Vant of Crow Wing Trucking.

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Should I stay or should I go?

Are you contemplating hanging up your trucking hat? "If you want to grow cucumbers, you don't plant chicken turds. You don't heap piles of poo on top and expect a bumper crop of cucumbers, it just doesn't work that way." ...

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What’s in a name?

In which George decides he won't call The Precious 'The Precious' anymore. "I'm concerned for the vinyl placement of 'Please Kill Me Now.' We'll have to be prudent with that one." ...

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A brief history of extortion

From the ship of Captain John Jacob Brake: "Our ship was lured to the aid of the nefarious Captain Lucifer Von Ahab with a false appointment time, and we were snared in the grasp of his safety ropes before he viciously raised the grocery warehouse flag."

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