George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Hole hell in California

| January 09, 2013

I consider making it across the United States, on the ground and in a big truck, one of the most awesome accomplishments in my life. The only thing I’ve ever done that compares is being pregnant and having two babies. (Not at once, for God’s sake — I waited 11 years between them; it took me that long to forget how awful it was.) Traveling with George isn’t nearly as uncomfortable as being pregnant, but when I was pregnant I knew where every public bathroom in our city was, and since I’ve been on the road, I’ve mapped out most of the public facilities on the highways and byways. (How’s that for a segue into yet another bathroom post?)

I was super-excited to get to California. It’s a pretty place, extremely diverse and unimaginably huge when you have to travel the length of it. We started out in Otay Mesa, and went all the way to Seattle, which gave me the West Coast tour almost as far as you can take it. I’m still in awe of how beautiful this country is, and once again I spent most of the trip with my mouth hanging open, cooing, “Woooow!” the entire time.

We had been all the way up and were making our way back down toward Casa Grande. I loved the mountains, I loved the farmland. I was not impressed with the desert. Consequently, every time we stopped, it seemed like we were in the middle of it. Being somewhat of a nerd, I’m a little nervous any time I’m around vast amounts of sand. I can’t help but imagine the huge sand worms from Dune plowing their way underground so they can pop up in my face and eat it off. I’m not entirely comfortable with any surface that shifts continually. (Remind me to tell you how fun I am on a boat.)

We made it to Imperial Dunes before I declared if we didn’t make a pit stop soon, I was going to make a mess in the truck. George is really good about stopping when I need to, but we had been in the middle of nowhere for about 9,000 miles, and there hadn’t been anywhere to stop. I don’t want to get real graphic here, but I have yet to, and probably never will, master peeing in a bottle. It’s a skill that should be an Olympic sport. There was also no way in hell I was going to squat down in the desert and bare my nether regions to the thousands of scorpions and sand fleas I was certain were waiting to leap onto me, and, well, let’s just say the mental picture wasn’t anything I could get over enough to pee in the desert. We finally found a rest area, but when we stopped I didn’t see anything but a shack with a stovepipe sticking out of it, and was fairly certain that couldn’t be a bathroom.

“Why are we stopping? There isn’t a bathroom! I’m seriously going to pee myself.”

“There’s a bathroom.”

He was acting weird, I knew something was up, but I had to pee too bad to be able to focus on anything else. He got out and started walking toward the little shack.

“Come on. Let’s go to the bathroom”

“Are you escorting me to the toilet now? How could I possibly get lost somewhere you can see for 11 miles into the distance?”

“You’ll see.”

I definitely knew something was up now, but I was too busy trying to walk and not pee myself. I was doing the dance, we all know it, you can sit in the parking lot of a rest area and watch a hundred different versions of it, but they all mean the same thing. I was at def-con four, security status red on the pee meter.

“Have you been here before?”

“Yep.”

“Is it gross?”

He didn’t answer. In 17 years, I’ve learned that silence means one of two things — either he was pissed off or the answer was yes. I hadn’t spilled any nail polish in the truck recently, so I was pretty sure he wasn’t mad.

The smell hit me before we opened the door.

“Holy Jesus, it’s an outhouse.”

Not only was it an outhouse, it had a second hole in the floor that had some unidentifiable and extremely vile liquid bubbling in it. The hole was exactly the diameter of a giant anaconda, and I was convinced the bubbling was anaconda snot. I could just see a huge serpent with a bad case of hay fever lurking beneath the surface of the bubbles.

“Are you effing kidding me?”

“Babe, this is it unless you want a bottle or to pee outside.”

“I can’t pee in an anaconda cage. I can’t even walk into it.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’ll go in with you if you need me to.”

“Oh good. The snakes won’t need to eat again for a long time after they devour us both. We’ll save the lives of other innocents who think this is actually a bathroom instead of a food trap for giant reptiles.”

There was no turning back. I had to pee so bad my eyeballs were floating. I’ll have to say when we were taking our vows 17 years ago, I never expected part of the “for better or for worse” to entail him having to hold my hand while I pee because I’m afraid of being eaten by giant snakes who live in a snot hole in the floor of an outhouse. Once again, life on the road taught me a lesson. Also, it taught me to start training for the bottle-peeing Olympics of 2014.

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  • Peterbilt Peter

    LOL, what a sense of humor

  • http://twitter.com/johntaratuta John Taratuta

    Some keep a bag of cat litter in truck for those times when there isn’t a rest stop in a few hundred miles . . .

    Anyhow, I’m looking forward to when they make the movie about your adventures.

  • Ed

    Wendy, hey girl..FYI..all the major camping/sporting good stores have the emergency “potti” bags for situations just as you described..check em out, I use em, in the middle of the night or in freezing weather, they’re real handy..keep up the great posts..

  • Roads Scholar

    Being female, I never had “penis-envy” until I started driving truck, and then it was only because a ‘nozzle’ would make some things so much simpler! I have found an alternative solution, tho. If you pull the “drip-catcher spout” out of the top of a laundry detergent bottle, you’ll have a larger hole to “aim” at. It still takes some “practice” to get enough of the right muscles to relax while keeping enough others ‘tensed’ enough to maintain your balance – but it’s do-able. Good luck!

  • Chicken lipps

    You can stand on the top step and let it rip. Yes us woman can do that. Drove for 28 years and I did this when needed too!!!. Maybe we can write something nicer next time. Like the 55 speed limit in California.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/HQ6S5Q2XHE2BRW3SWFBRM7P264 mike

    alot of “drama” in that story……she has GOT to find a better way to get er done??? The “baggies” sounds like a solution…

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/HQ6S5Q2XHE2BRW3SWFBRM7P264 mike

    She can thank heaven it wasnt the dreaded #2 that she had to deal with??

  • DSA

    Welcome to USSR, or what our country has become. No rest area, bad service, bed roads. California will get as there!!!

  • Wings2Wheels

    Wendy – two words. Coffee can. My better half travels with me, and I also stop whenever and wherever need be to meet her physiological needs – including some out-of-route places that I’d wish we’d stayed on the main road (hindsight is 20/20). HOWEVER, just like you found out, sometimes there just is NO PLACE appropriate for a lady to relieve that inner bladder pressure. Get yourself two of the large-size coffee cans with screw-on or pop-on lids. Then, take a bunch of paper towels and bunch them up and put them in the bottom of the cans. Voila, instant disposable female potty.

    You can thank my better half for this tip – she’s been riding in trucks since she was knee-high to her dad. It ain’t easy to pee in a coffee can in a flat-top cabover Peterbilt like her dad had, or in my 1979 Kenworth flat top cabover K100, but with practice it becomes easier.

    Enjoy the stories – with sympathize with you – keep on truckin’ (and writin’!)

  • papparip

    wendy, yor hubby is one lucky man. not only a sense of humor but adventure also. Keep us posted on some more hair raising trips. Holysmoke

  • MJ Wv

    The new maxwell house plastic coffee cans with the handle work absolute wonders for male or female operators. And yes I’ve actually been in the most awkward situation in my life stuck in traffic for 3 hours where I had to actually use it for no. 2. it was an actual lifesaver. awkward yes but it is what it is..Life on the road ,rite…

  • Ronald Schwartz

    My wife is a constant pee’r. Which I can tell you was a constant challenge for me with a “trucker bladder”….lol. Solution: Plastic coffee can! She mastered its use with incredible speed as she continued to meet my resistance to stop..

  • karhauler

    a dollar store bucket, and a box of cheap white garbage bags. When done, tie it up, and you can use it over and over, before you stop to empty the contents.

  • Cranky Old Skooler

    After reading some of this I can’t help but share my story. I had been running pretty hard for about 2 weeks straight, (not to mention the 6 months prior). But that 2 weeks was always ending up eating fast food due to it being the only thing available in the area. That coupled with keeping odd hours. Anyway I had stopped for a coffee and decided to crash for a bit as I wasn’t feeling the greatest. I woke up at 4am needing to go #2. The coffee shop was closed and I had about 3 seconds to react.

    So, I dropped my drawers and did my duty right there beside the truck. It was a bad one , mostly liquid. I then had to penguin walk to the other side of the truck to get rags. After I was cleaned up I felt pretty good so I hit the road. Once again my guts started gurgling. Anyway 3 more times this went on, going besdide the truck. When I reached my destination I went and found a toilet. I was tempted to call and have a driver sent to me. I gave it some more time, got hydrated and felt just fine afterward. I hope I didn’t gross anyone out.

  • truckindawg

    looks like you struck a nerve with this post

  • SURESHOT

    I HAD TO DRILL A HOLE IN THE FLOOR OF MY TRUCK UNDER THE BUNK, AND RAN A 1/2″ HOSE THRU IT, PUT A FUNNEL ON THE OTHER END FOR MY BETTER 1/2 AND GRAND KIDS WHEN THE RODE WITH ME. I HAVE RAN FOR 11 STRAIGHT HOURS WITHOUT STOPPING, BUT MY RIDERS COULD NOT DO THAT. MY WIFE TRIED AND ENDED UP WITH A BLADDER INFECTION. THAT’S WHEN I CAME UP WITH THE HOSE AND FUNNEL SYSTEM

  • Trappertom

    trappertom –best I’ve come up with is one of the plastic jars with a screw on/off lid. About 6 or 8 inches square and about that high with the large screw on top–the kind you’ll find at costco with almonds or nuts in them. Also get some backing soda (like Arm-n-Hammer) powder. And a bottle of water. After doing your #1 or before have some of the backing power and some water. That keeps the aroma down for when you open it up next time. When you get a chance empty/dump it out and use some more of the water to flush it out.Add some more of the backing power–ya don’t need a whole bunch to keep the aroma down. Little or no aroma, resuable and much safer then a coffee can with a “pop off” lid or a soda bottle honey bucket.

  • Trappertom

    trappertom back again—saw mistakes in my last post—where it says backing “power” or “soda” –it should all read BAKING “POWDER”—the stuff you’d put in your fridge to keep odors down.

  • Spoiled Rotten

    Am I the only one that ever heard of a porta-potty?Can be stored under the bed or in a floor cabinet..and can be emptied and cleaned at most flying J’s..or rest area bathrooms….

  • Trappertom

    porta-potti–yep–have built a sliding shelve(actually a drawer) into the bottom of the cabinet right behind the passenger seat–the drawer locks in so it won’t slide out or tip over-with it sliding out it makes it much easier to lift it out -’98 Century-have to lift it out and put it on the floor to sit down, because the shelve wouldn’t hold the weight of it and me–but that’s OK–cabinet has a door on it too—got it from Sears–

  • hippydude

    go-girl(dot)com

  • mmoon

    “go-girl” – a funnel for women – now you can take a stand!!! lol

  • mmoon

    note: I apologize, in advance, for any offense taken my upcoming comment, but REALLY? OMG!!!
    Did I really just spend time reading that?
    Let me get this straight… choosing to use nasty sh*tholes rather than cop a squat?
    Imagine a whole world of wicked widdle wizzards an worms. I can see how that would weally, weally worry a whizzin wendy awot . All this over wee-wee?
    Story hints at the intense internal battle of reality vs fantasy; fact vs fiction; the physical vs the imaginary.
    Good show of mind over matter…er, wait…no…uh, what?
    Sense or Nonsense? Now, if’n Winnie the “pooh” was the main character….

    Wow! Had to be said. You know, cruel to be kind sort of thing. Okay a stupid to be dumb thing, gheez

    Oh no, just make it all go away. **POOF** this never happened, totally flushed from existence for all eternity

    “Trucker wives feel the NEED 2 sPEEd, constantly!”
    Ba-da-bing. I’m out

    Can’t believe this is the kinda thing Overdrive puts in print.

  • SueJ

    Porta-potty on the truck – it is a necessity. And for the guy who didn’t stop his truck for 11 hrs and made that pee machine? That’s DISGUSTING. No one should be driving that long without taking a break.

  • hopeful

    Whoever you are that writes these stories, I’ve only read about three but each time I about stop reading because you are so crude, what, were you born in a man camp and grew up with a bunch of neanderthals ? for pet’s sake try to be a LOT more mature in your rants, you might actually get more people to read them( if that’s what your looking for, I don’t even talk like that and my wife definitely does not).

  • 1LADYTRUCKER2U

    I am a solo ladytrucker and i WILL NOT GET OUT OF MY TRUCK AT ALL FOR ANYREASON AT NIGHT. well except for certain emergencys ya know…lol… I get a large mop bucket, or a clean 5 gallon bucket, a old or new toilet seat,8 or 13 gallon plastic bags( the cheap ones at the dollar store) a big bag of bakingsoda (sams have some for 4 $ for a 8 pound bagor maybe a bit bigger, but it is cheap..toilet paper,or whatever u use to wipe, air freshner…i line the bucket with the plastic bag put some baking soda in the bag,put on the seat and sit and go…you know what to do with the t.p i hope…lol when i am done with my business i tie the bag and place in a plastic grocery bag and set outside close or under the truck so others dont trip or walk on it….eeeewwww…and in the morning or when i get ready to go ,while im doing my pretrip stuff i take to disposale area…if it get smelly in or out of truck i spray airfreshner in it and around it if needed…it is safer and easier to do this then risking my life or ???..men can also use this idea also …is great for them -20 or really cold or storming times…and it is easy to clean up and put away and or put together…you can use alcohol rubbing to clean lid and then use the rubbing alcohol to unfreeze ur airlines. or brakes if frozen….anyways good luck to all