George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Lizards and idiot four-wheelers

| August 02, 2012

We had to park in a pretty rough place the other night. It was one of those ‘Wild West’ stops, with no discernible parking spaces in a gravel lot. Schizophrenic hobos roamed freely, and I was absolutely certain I was going to see the elusive Lot Lizard as soon as the sun went down. As long as I’ve been out, I’ve never actually seen one.

The Lot Lizard is talked about more than actually seen. It’s the Snow Leopard of the trucking world. Every person I discuss our travels with asks two questions, ‘Where do you go to the bathroom?’ and ‘Have you seen a Lot Lizard?’ I go to the bathroom in a toilet (gasp – I know, it’s too weird to fathom) and I have not seen a Lot Lizard. I once saw what I thought was a Lizard, but it turned out to be a very effeminate trucker wearing short-shorts with cowboy boots. (These are referred to as ‘Good Buddies’ for those of you wondering.)

Other myths surrounding the trucking world include the ‘Flasher Myth’ (purported boob sightings on the highway) and the ‘Sex Myth’ (people DO NOT roll down freeways doing the nasty all the time). It’s also a myth that truckers like to be distracted by dumb asses who moon, scream at them, or otherwise malinger in traffic. It is NOT the height of hilarity to make someone who is wrestling 40,000 pounds (situated directly behind their upper body – where ALL vital organs reside) take their eyes off the road to watch you pick your nose, slap your wiener, or perform some other childish act that could result in an instant and fiery death. If you insist on doing this, screw you. You are presenting with symptoms of a serious personality disorder and need to be checked by your veterinarian immediately.

The most horrifying thing I’ve seen so far is an entire family reading the Sunday newspaper – including the driver. He was merrily running over small animals while checking supermarket ads for a good sale on hamburger. His wife was clipping coupons, and the two children in the back were completely oblivious to the fact that their lives were in imminent danger. When he took his hands off the wheel to point out a huge savings on Depends, he wiped out a family of six groundhogs without even knowing it. (‘Martha, did you just feel a bump?’ ‘Oh Henry, what could possibly go bump? We’re on the highway for God’s sake. Here, have a sandwich to hold while you drive with your knees. Why don’t you just take a nap?’)

I know it’s a lot to ask from the general public (my Dad always told me the general public was dangerously stupid), but try to use at least a modicum of common sense while traveling at a high rate of speed. Keep at least one hand on the wheel and one eye on the road. Cruise control DOES NOT drive for you, and there really are other people on the road who wish to make it to their destination with all limbs intact. Also, flipping a trucker off will not make him go any faster. In fact, I always wonder about the mental capacity of someone who would purposely piss the driver of a 70,000 pound vehicle off. It’s like poking a rhinoceros with a stick. If you truly believe a Freightliner couldn’t roll over your Honda Civic without so much as popping a tire, you are too idiotic to live. Do us a favor, leave civilization and cease breathing the air of intelligent human beings.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ivor.stoddard Ivor A Stoddard Jr

    If you want to see a lot lizard, don’t sit up front, hide in the sleeper and watch through the curtain. Woman in the truck will keep them away, no sense wasting time on that truck. If they think your husband is running solo, one will show up and knock eventually when you hit the right lot.
    I’m not even going to get into the IQ level of the average 4 wheeler, you’ve come close to covering it.
    Best of luck on your lizard hunt and be safe out there.

  • Trucker’s Happy Wife

    I met my hubby in 2003. We married in 2004. I went with him on the truck a couple of times before we got married. Once when we were driving along another driver pulled up and called out on his C.B. “Hey,driver ya want to see something?’ My hubby leaned back and told me “Hey,Babe,look over here.” I looked,I saw a shirt pull up and I saw boobs. I laughed. Hubby called back on the C.B. “Thanks,my Girlfriend thought they were ok.” The other driver started apolgizing over and over. He said him and his girlfriend were just having some fun. Hubby told him it was ok,that it was my first time. Now I was truly intuated.
    i have also seen “lot lizards”. Hubby and I were parked one night and there was a knock on the driver door. Hubby told me to stay in the sleeper until he motioned for me. I stayed back and listened as she asked if he needed a date. He said no. She started telling him all the things she could “do” for him. He waved his hand and I stepped out of the sleeper. I told her why did her need her when he had me. She had the balls to suggest a threesome. We laughed and she left.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1269137418 Mike Jones

    There USED to be plenty….everywhere..today with the AIDS Virus and SECURITY guards ya dont see as many for sure…they wont approach the truck if they see the WIFE..for good reason…..

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1269137418 Mike Jones

    Naughty naughty…it does get purdy boring out there…just spicing things up….LOL