George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

DNA proliferation prevention: My ‘bag of hair’

| February 13, 2013

It’s not easy being with your spouse 24/7, one day right on top of the next, all the time. Every human being on Earth needs alone time once in a while, and when you’re traveling like we do it boils down to the few minutes you get in the shower or bathroom.

George and I do pretty well. He spends most of his time paying attention to the road, and I spend most of my time banging around the cab like a juvenile orangutan. As close as we are, it still amazes me the things he misses.

I was sitting in the bunk, getting ready to go in for a shower. I got all my toiletries in order, cleaned my hairbrush out, and stored the hairball in my bag of hair. Yes, I said bag of hair. I noticed George staring at me with the beginnings of the “disappointed dad” look on his face.

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s my bag of hair.”

“Please tell me that’s all your hair.”

“Well of course it is, silly. It would be weird to have other people’s hair in a bag.”

“It’s weird to have your own hair in a bag.”

“It’s not weird at all. I don’t want my DNA all over the crime scenes of America, not to mention in the hands of the government, who may engineer a clone of me from my hair. I can’t even discuss the voodoo implications, it’s too scary.”

“I would like very much to think you’re not serious.”

“Of course I’m serious. What are you doing when I’m watching all this CSI? Don’t you know crazed killers clean the crime scene completely and it’s always a hair that trips them up? What if one of my hairs floats off into an Albuquerque murder scene and is the only thing the CSI finds? They’ll blame me for sure. They always blame a trucker, why not his wife?”

“I have no words.”

“Pretty amazingly brilliant, hunh? I’m always thinking, babe.”

“Oh, I know you’re always thinking, it’s what you’re thinking about that worries me.”

“You want me to start keeping your hair, too?”

“No I do not.”

“Right. I understand. I could totally make a voodoo doll out of it and make you miserable with it.”

“You don’t need a voodoo doll to make me miserable, believe me.”

“Right. Fingernail clippings work, too. If I had a piece of your skin and some mud we could make a Golem….”

“Please. Let’s just go take showers, OK?”

“Should I take the hair bag?”

“No. No you should not. And don’t mention it to any normal people, either.”

“Oh right! You’re thinking ahead, we don’t want anyone trying to steal it for sure.”

“Yes, babe. That’s completely why.”

“You really are a smart guy. Maybe we should let the government have some of your hair to clone you with….”

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