George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

On updates and pop-ups

Now that's an update!

Now that’s an update!

Adobe has an update for me. Joy and rapture. It’s only the 53rd update from Adobe this week. I’m curious as to just how many aliens are working on updating Adobe. A silkworm in the throes of becoming a butterfly doesn’t update that much, and it’s changing physical forms and growing wings. Anything that updates every eleven seconds has to be from Uranus, because it’s surely a pain in my tuckus. (I’ll be here all week, folks.)

I’ve mentioned my love/hate relationship with technology, and it continues to blossom – mostly toward the hate side. And by hate, I mean it hates me. I play along, I learn where all the little buttons are, I try to participate with Instagram, I post pictures of cats. I feel like I’m totally keeping up my end of the bargain, and yet, technology continues to thwart me by changing on a daily basis.

My phone is the worst. It has automatic updates on all the apps because I refuse to manually update anything, and our son got sick of me handing him the phone when something wouldn’t work (because I hadn’t updated it), so he set it to auto-update and I can’t figure out how to turn it off. I break out into a cold sweat about three times a day when the little “update” icon appears and wonder what horrific changes Facebook has made to my timeline, or if I will still be able to access my 10,000 mindless scribblings that become stories on Evernote without having to remember my password. It’s very nerve-wracking and I’m considering being treated for PTSD induced by the update phenomenon. And by treated, I mean drinking heavily.

And while I’m griping about first-world problems, let me add that I’m no fan of pop-up ads. I feel violated when something arbitrarily flashes onto my screen. Also, my laptop is old and pop-ups make the screen freeze, because she forgets what she’s doing when the pop-ups invade our airspace, and it takes her a minute to get back on track. Pop-ups irritate me, I don’t think they’re a good advertising tool. There should be a study done in marketing schools, because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has a 30-second Mexican standoff with Lisa Kelly every time I go to the Overdrive website. I go to the site a lot, I try really hard to read and keep up with the important stuff, and every single time, I have to wait for the subscription pop-up to go away, with Lisa Kelly giving me a snarky look the entire time. I have absolutely nothing against Lisa Kelly, she seems like a very nice woman, but her countenance has been embedded into a pop-up and now she irritates me. So now I’m the asshole. Thanks, pop-up ads. (Lisa, I’m working on our relationship. It’s me, not you. Love, Wendy) (The Overdrive subscription ad is not a pop-up but rather what’s known as an overlay ad, given it doesn’t “pop up” in a new window. –ed.)

I think police departments should employ pop-ups for wanted criminals. Every time you sign on, a little window with a picture of someone who’s wanted for touching kids funny pops up. If the fact they touched kids funny wasn’t enough to make the general public hunt them down, the removal of their pop-up from our home screen would be awesome incentive to find them and strangle them. Kidding! Of course, we would at least call the law and turn them in. Of course we would. Because it would make the pop-up go away.

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