Discovery News discovered that one in four Americans aren’t clear on who orbits whom in the grand solar-system-y scheme of things. They act surprised. I find it entirely possible one in four people aren’t well-informed about anything other than the size of Kim Kardashian’s rear, which I also find it entirely possible is being orbited by its own satellites, as it is huge. But I digress, and it’s mean to talk about someone’s huge hind parts, so we’ll stick to being snide about dumb people instead.
I think it’s about time to face it head-on. The general public isn’t very intelligent. The very first person who won a lawsuit because they got burned with something hot that wasn’t properly labeled succeeded in being the sole reason mankind will eventually stupid themselves to death. Way to go! How does ruining the human race while paying out most of the money you won in taxes feel?
You’re the reason we need to be told poison is indigestible, prolonged exposure to sunlight may cause sunburn, and sticking fingers (or other unmentionable appendages) into light sockets may result in electrical shock.
You’re the reason people who do the stupidest things they can think of get paid for doing them. When you see a sign that has a picture of a stick person putting their hand into an alligators mouth with a red circle and a line through it, it’s not because that’s funny, it’s because some idiot stuck their hand in a gator’s mouth, got it bitten off, and got paid by an insurance company for doing so.
When you see a sign that says, “Do not ingest urinal cake” it means someone actually decided to eat a urinal cake, and instead of being ashamed to death, they hired a lawyer and asked for money because no one specifically told them not to eat the piss laden soap in the bottom of a public urinal. They’re not only stupid, they have no shame when it comes to lawsuits.
I really wish just one judge would make a “thinning of the herd” decision in one of these lawsuits. I wish someone had the balls to stand up and say, “If this person was too stupid to understand that fire is hot, there is a distinct possibility we, as a whole human race, might be better off if this person becomes unable to spread their proverbial seed. Let’s not facilitate them by giving them money.” That’s a nice way of saying, “Find the nest and kill the eggs.”
When you have to wash your hands with tepid water in public restrooms, you can thank the whiney ass who left the hot water running long enough to burn themselves and instead of learning a lesson, hired a lawyer to sue someone for having their hot water tanks set too high. (This is possibly a filthy lie, they probably keep the hot water tanks on low because of cost in public restrooms, but I was feeling dramatic, and it sounds like something someone would actually sue for.)
I’m not a huge fan of warning labels. I really feel like you should be able to understand it’s a bad idea to spray anything in an aerosol can directly into your own eyes without having to read it on the can. I also think it’s a lot of unnecessary information to include that humans shouldn’t ingest rat poison on the box. It should be a given that you don’t want to eat something you’re feeding something else to kill it. It just seems pretty cut and dried without having to mention it.
Now for safety’s sake, we’ll recap what we’ve learned today:
Fire is hot, poison is bad and the sun can burn you. Also, the Earth revolves around the sun and Kim Kardashian has a giant, satellite-worthy ….
This information is only to be used as an imaginary guide to things that may or may not be filthy lies. Please don’t sue me — I couldn’t bear to part with my rock collection, which is all you’d get if you sued me. In the immortal words of my old nurse buddy Amber, “They sue me, they’ll be practicing – can’t make me give what I ain’t got.”
But they can make you wear a warning label.
Mine would read, “Caution, easily excitable and highly motivated by food. Avoid leaving shiny objects within reach. Approach with caution before 9 AM.”
You’ve officially been warned.
South Carolina truck operator Arnold Williams has been sentenced to time ...