George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Take it to another channel

| May 28, 2014

ballpeen hammer

Let’s talk about CB etiquette, come on.

It has been my aspiration to be able to converse with the fluidity of an old pro on the CB, using the lingo and following along with the alerts and happenings going on just ahead of us. Unfortunately, I sound like a complete idiot on the CB, and even if I could converse with fluidity, there are too many people out there using channel 19 as their own personal platform for assiness to get a word in edgewise.

George still keeps his CB on all the time. However, he has to keep it turned down so much we rarely get an opportunity to hear anything about what’s going on ahead before we’re in the middle of it. Apparently, there are grown men (and the occasional woman) who think it’s effing hilarious to get on and do things like make fart noises. Once or twice is OK. I understand boredom and I really do think fart noises are pretty funny – when they’re not repeated over and over again by someone using a radio they could easily contact Jesus Christ himself with. What the hell is the point of sinking thousands of dollars into a radio for the sole purpose of making a continuous, never-ending fart noise? STOP IT. You’re mentally ill. Get some help, for heaven’s sake.

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Coconino County, Arizona, has put a ban in place on any and all handheld devices, including CBs (unless, according to the language of the ordinance, you are reporting an emergency to authorities). We all know safety has absolutely nothing to do with the ordinance including CBs. Using a CB is as involved as using a headset – it’s a one-click deal, and we’re banning things that are “distracting” we should probably take the laptops out of Sheriff’s deputies’ vehicles, because I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve looked down and seen a cop using a laptop while driving. They included CBs in their little ordinance because truckers can communicate where they’re hiding and whether or not scales are open – when there’s not some dipwad hogging the wire to talk about their cat or how much they hate Obama.

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We listened to a guy give an extremely detailed description of how he lost his cat and spent days trying to find it. I still don’t know who he was talking to, but I do know that he has a Maine Coon and he walked around the periphery of his property shaking a cat food box for two days looking for it. This small tidbit of information took him 45 minutes to describe, and by the time George got sick of it and turned the thing off, I had resolved to find this person and strangle him and the cat with the mic cord to put them both out of their misery. I know why your cat ran away, guy, it’s because it takes you nine hours to tell a two-sentence story. SHUT UP.

Communication is great when you’re out there alone – it’s awesome to hear another human voice (when they’re not screaming about someone being a child molester from Virginia – anyone who has been in the North Georgia area has heard this rabid freak; he does what he wants to do because he can; this is his favorite statement and when I finally find him and take my ball peen hammer to his kneecaps and anything else in the general vicinity of his kneecaps, I will repeat that phrase over and over again, just like he does when people tell him to shut the you-know-what up).

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Here’s the deal: talk all you want. Spout all the hate you want. Talk about your cat or your toenails or your mother’s underwear, but take it to another channel. Channel 19 is not your own personal radio station. There are 39 other channels you can befoul with your miseries. Use them.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here looking for a way to find the jerkwad from California who has “fire in his wire” and is using a bazillion watt station to walk all over every trucker he can hear out there.

Ten-fo.

  • potluck

    The author makes it seem as if it is a bad thing. First of all, at least someone is there. They may not be capable of talking, but they are on the channel. Just as the old telephone had a partyline hookup to defray the cost of stringing the phone line, we have the CB . Single side band made it easier to talk without a lot of chatter but all parties had to have sideband radioes. Remember you are telling everyone within listening your story. The louder you are, the more people who can hear you—and when you are talking you cannot hear the complaints. you can always state your business and have the person you want to talk to go to a different channel to converse. I agree that some children, of all ages, insist on hogging channel 19—they need to know people can hear them. Road information is only good usually for the two or three miles the out -of-the-package system is designed for. Road delays, backups, construction,accidents,speedtraps,breakdowns are all information the concerned driver would like to have. However, that information doesn’t take a long time to convey many people only turn the set on when they get near where they are going.

  • James

    My ex and I used to use the CB a LOT when I was moving trailers;she’d run ahead of me and warn me of steep inclines,sharp corners,idiot drivers approaching,etc.,and it saved me a lot of stress,sanity and brakes. Now,it seems every town has its own chatterbox either spewing hate,preaching the Lord’s Word or telling us all how he’s gonna stop ______ and kick his a$$. Used to be the FCC was on top of that trash,but they’re too busy doing whatever it is they do to keep from doing what they’re paid to do. We used to use three triangulated signals to hone in on these jackasses,sometimes we’d confront ‘em and “tune their transceivers” and sometimes we’d just hand their location and description off to the local FCC agent. With the linear-amps many use today,though,they can be 50 miles away and sound like they’re in the truck next to you. I still stick to the common courtesy of tagging the driver I want to talk to then moving the conversation to a quiet channel. Wish more would go by that rule.

  • Yvonne Henderson

    Very funny story…however true.

  • JR

    I once took a trip to Texas to get beer for a little party in Georgia.(why,they were thirsty) my buddy ran in front of me in his fast car . We talked nonstop on the cb all the way there and back.

  • Paige Weiss

    I completely understand what you are saying but please tell me where you are hearing all this chatter nowadays because I have had my CB on for a week at a time before I hear someone else. Hell I can’t get anyone to give me the important info I ask for. I know my radio works fine because I have went & had it checked a couple of times.

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