George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Shower me with a little love

| April 06, 2014

We’ve been in Texas all week – well, the major portion of it, anyway. Texas is the only state I know of that you can drive around for a month and never see all of it. I’m always impressed with the vastness of it, especially when you get out on 35 down near the border. You can look for miles and see nothing but the forty thousand border patrol cop cars parked in various shady places, keeping our borders safe by asking every person they meet, “Are you a U.S. citizen?” I can’t tell you how safe I feel, knowing this pertinent question is posed to any unaffiliated people who may cross the border illegally.

“Are you and the passenger U.S. citizens?”

“Uh. No.”

“OK, have a nice day.”

“But wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to send me back or something?”

“Actually, I’ve never had anyone answer ‘no’, so I really don’t know what to do. Have a nice day.”

I realize it’s probably easier for us, both light skinned and blue eyed, with Illinois tags on the truck. We probably don’t raise much alarm for the beleaguered agents. But isn’t that racial profiling? Can I sue someone here, ’cause I’m about tired of working for a living. Kidding!! My job could hardly be called work anymore. Also, I think lawsuits are grossly overrated. I prefer to bitch incessantly and leave the law out of it. When you hire an attorney, you pay someone to bitch for you and what fun is that? Heaven knows I don’t need any help in the crabbing department, especially if I have to pay someone to do it.

It’s been warm and muggy in Texas this week. I was warned on the way down that I really shouldn’t complain about the weather, since I made a career of griping about the winter of death we just went through. I agreed, but completely forgot about the deal I made the first morning I woke up soaked in sweat because it was baking hot at 8 a.m. on the Mexican border.

“Oh my God, it’s hot!”

kareem_abdul_jabbar_skyhook“I’m going to pretend like you didn’t say that.”

“OK, sorry, but we are getting showers today, right?”

“Babe, I do my best to park my princess at a shower every day.”

“Yeah, but today it’s really important, because I smell like Kareem Abdul Jabar after a long game.”

“Wow. That was random. Is that guy even still alive? Have you ever really smelled him? I’m actually afraid of the answer, so maybe we shouldn’t go there.”

“No, I’ve never smelled him. But the pictures of him after a game look like he smells awful. Here, let me find one for you on the internet.”

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"Just another day in trucking. A crappy one. But that's OK because it still beats night shift at a nursing home, and we both woke ...

“It’s OK, babe. I don’t need to see a sweaty basketball player to get the point. You want a shower and you’ll get one if it’s humanly possible.”

“You’re my hero.”

“Just doing my job, ma’am.”

I love that guy.

  • http://www.gayleglass.net Gayle Glass

    I’m with you on the crabbing part. No fun if you let somebody else do it. Besides, would they say EXACTLY what YOU wanted to say? I think not! ( George, you’re great in my book. Got brothers?)

  • MercenaryMan

    I will tell you a funny story about Border Patrol, I was a young man touring with a ROCK AND ROLL Band, we were all over Mexico and this was back in the late eighties…we were tired of our interpreters stealing and lying and misrepresenting us, we knew they did because you would add up costs and they would double it…so we started to learn Spanish ala some Taped Cassette program, we would ride around and practice and it became second nature, UNTIL the day we were crossing back into Arizona headed to Cali…The BP Officer looks into the back of our Limo and points, RU A CITIZEN, Yes, Yes, Yes and they got to one of our guys who was really tired and he says SI SENOR…..out of the Limo, at gunpoint, there vacumming the floor for seeds and stems and by God they come up with about three seeds and some Dirt, Ripped our shoes apart, Our Wallets and Belts, even tore the seams on our Jeans apart looking for contraband, we all spent 6 hours in the lockup as they negotiated with the record company and our Consular officials and then we were Persona None Grata…Out of Mexico you Hippy Rock Stars….SI SENOR….

  • whyismycachealwaysclearing

    If I didn’t bitch about my life, who would?

  • Loose Cannon

    Heading into California awhile back, I knew the ‘guard’ was going to ask if I was bringing in any fruit. Running solo for weeks on end, I don’t have anyone to help keep my often inappropriate, random thoughts in check; I briefly contemplated telling him I was hauling a few dozen endangered species munching on bug-infested fruit of questionable origin, but then remembered I’m not a fan of prostate exams.
    ‘Got any fruit’?
    ‘No, sir’.
    ‘Have a nice day’.

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