George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Wash hands, prevent crashes

| July 22, 2013

The Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration has announced a nine-year plan to reduce crashes by making sure you’re not fat. They really said it would take nine years to force truckers to be fit. I’m wondering how long they’ve set aside to force four-wheelers to not be stupid. I don’t think “infinity and beyond” looks good on a budget plan, so they’ve probably left that one off their list of “what it will cost us to arbitrarily force people to do things.”

They seem to be fond of the phrase “in order to reduce crashes.” It’s widely rumored that in order to reduce crashes, FMCSA is considering mandating hand-washing. Slippery fingers cause fiery accidents, not to mention possible rabies contagion. Of course, those religiously opposed to hand-washing can get a note from their Mommy to be excluded. However, prayer before or after hand-washing will be banned and punishable by hefty fines and lengthy lecture. There will, of course, be an exception to the rule for those missing digits, as the incomplete data has pointed toward the correlation between ten slippery fingers and fiery crashes. Eight and under is an acceptable number of slippery fingers. But only in New Jersey and Alaska. Refer to amended guidelines for the “eight and under rule.”

When a government agency openly admits it’s going to take them nine years to do something, they’re basically saying it ain’t never gonna happen. They may as well be spending their time planning on changing the color of the sky. Vast amounts of money and time are going to be wasted, and it’s going to be OK. Because they told us from the beginning it was going to take nine years, we should have known better. Gah. When are you dumb taxpayers going to learn smoke-and-mirrors-speak?

I have an idea to reduce the number of crashes. How about enforce the cellphone bans on the highways? Or how about go after the idiots in four wheelers, who cause 70 percent or more of the crashes that happen, and prosecute them for doing things like shaving their legs while driving? Seriously, it should be noted somewhere that it might be a little dangerous to tend to personal hygiene while traveling at high rates of speed. I realize it may come as a shock to the FMCSA, being that none of them have ever actually used the highway in a big truck, but people are out there doing some crazy stuff while operating a vehicle at 75 mph. I watched, in horror, as a rather large woman wrestled her bra like an angry boa constrictor in Houston traffic. She was either trying to take it off, or it had become animated and was attempting to choke her out. Whatever the case, it caused her to endlessly careen from lane to lane, alternately slamming on brakes and speeding up. It was terrifying. Her driving was awful, too.

Cattle Crossing Road SignI have it on good authority the FMCSA will be unveiling their “We are the Borg” campaign sometime next year. It will require drivers to look directly into an inward-facing dashcam every 30 seconds and moo. The incomplete data points to a drastic reduction in crashes among herds. Because it’s incomplete. We all know cows run over each other all the time, it’s just never widely publicized. It will take approximately eleventy-seven years to implement, and cost the professional driver his soul, along with 90 gabillion dollars. But an estimated three lives a year will be saved, and approximately 900  head of free-roaming cattle. Progress, people, progress.

  • Jason Haggard

    Again we have the same problem, not enough drivers standing together to oppose these types of regulations from being passed in the first place. I don’t think people understand that once they are put into effect they then become ten times as hard to remove from the books as opposed to stopping them from taking root in the first place.

    The offices of the FMCSA have repeatedly ignored factual real world data and formulated regulations based on the opinion of its staffers, none of which have any experience driving a truck. I keep asking myself when are people going to wake up and do something instead of being content to sit back and complain about it continuously while doing nothing about it.

  • lfhpueblo

    Idiots in Washington have to justify their jobs, so have to constantly make up new rules after doing skewed so called studies. TRUCKERS should stop trucking anything for two weeks and America would feel the pinch. Then idiots in Washington will go after train engineers. Then trains along with the truckers should stop moving for two weeks and America would feel the pinch. Then Idiots in Washington still have to justify their jobs so next Planes….then eventually they’ll be after little Johnny or Jane that rides their bike to deliver a newspaper. Just wish Washington would stop growing agencies and would grow some common sensed brains.

  • lfhpueblo

    I’m not a trucker, but this is complete nonsense. These people have to justify their jobs so they make up more new rules. They want you truckers to have a rule book thicker than a nuclear facility. They just want to fine you out of existence, so the Communistic progressive government can take over that market. Then they’ll decide who will have a minimum wage driving a truck with below standard Obama Care Health Care. They’ll decide when you’re not able to drive anymore and then black ball your health care card and put deny you when their Death Panel says you don’t deserve this or that surgery that would save your life. I may be cynical but been keeping informed about a lot lately and this is just more handwriting on the wall. I know some people don’t know what handwriting on the wall means, but if they went to Sunday School as a child they would. It doesn’t take but common sense to understand what is the agenda here folks.

  • Certifiably Nutty

    The problem is as always, people making the rules have never worked in the industry. Is it so hard to require that certain regulatory positions require a bare minimum of experience within the industry that they regulate. Unfortunately the only experience required for any of these positions is the one of making a LARGE political donation to the appropriate person/party who is in control at the time.

  • No Reform

    ..another “study” on crash reduction is in order of course…the goal is to dominate the trucker even MORE is that is possible…Speed limiters, Electro Logs, Dash cams pointed AT the Driver…….RED SHIRTS and ANKLE MONITORS??

  • No Reform

    More Rules and More Monitoring are on the way….

  • Scalded dog

    Folks, I’ve given up. I quit my legal job last week. In the last 12 days I’ve made 3k dollars, with nothing but a pick up and my know how. If DOT wants to be a pain in th ass, to he’ll with them. We’ll run illegal. If Chrysler can crank out a class 8 truck that doesn’t require a CDL, then who needs a DOT number.