George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Where do the English muffins go for lunch?

George and I have worked in restaurants and kitchens. We both did a stint at the Officer’s Club on Wright Patterson AFB many moons ago, so we have a pretty general understanding of how set-up and line work in the galley goes. I totally get why I can’t have a hamburger during breakfast hours at some places, and unlike William Foster, I don’t freak out when I miss the deadline for sausage gravy and biscuits.

I do, however, wonder where the English muffins go after 12 p.m.

Three different times, in three different geographical places, I’ve been told there are no English muffins served after noon. And these are places where all-day breakfast is a regular option – you don’t have to have an emotional meltdown to get scrambled eggs, but English muffins are clearly a problem.

As I mentioned before, we both have feels for people in the food service industry, so I try really hard to be as unobtrusive to wait staff as possible. But the third time I was denied English muffins after noon, I had to find out why.

Me: “Is there some sort of religious custom about English muffins and noon I’m unaware of?”

Waitress: “What?”

George: “Babe, just order toast.”

Me: “Where do the English muffins go at noon? Are you out of them, or do they belong to a muffin union that says they’re free to leave if uneaten by 12 p.m.?”

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Waitress: “What?”

George: “Babe. Toast.”

Me: “I’ll just have toast, unless you have a rouge English muffin willing to sacrifice itself for the cause.”

Waitress: “White or wheat? And shall I stab you in the neck with a butter knife now, or after I spit on your toast?” (She didn’t really say the part about the butter knife, but I could feel it radiating from her scribbling.)

George: “We’ll both have white toast. And could you bring some strawberry jelly?”

Waitress: “We don’t have jelly, we have jam.”

Me: “Oh my Lord, the jelly and the English muffins ran off together!”

Waitress: “What the hell is wrong with you?” (Not really, but the look implied it.)

George: “Jam is fine. Thank you.”

Sometimes, questions go unanswered, but my quest for a toasted English muffin after noon will remain in the forefront, right along with interviewing Bigfoot and escaping the BB implanting aliens. Goals. They’re important to have.

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