We watched the Super Bowl last night. We were home for a change, and opted to watch it all by ourselves, snugged up on the couch, eating corn dogs and rice krispy treats. It might have been what I consider a perfect evening, except for the fact that Tom Brady is a warlock and the reason we canāt have nice things.
(What the actual hell, Falcons? Did he mesmerize you? I know he has sad little eyes, but dang. Itās the Super Bowl.)

Iām going to admit fully I was present for the company and commercials more than anything. Those and the corn dogs. And the running commentary I canāt help but have about the people involved. When thereās a crowd of forty billion people on television, thereās generally something off in the left hand corner of the screen going on Iām drawn to, because squirrel.
āWoah! Holy Jeebus, did you see that girlās lips? Houston, we have a problem ⦠the facial fillers have taken over! How does she talk with those things? Buh-dee-buh-dabba-duh! Haha! Quack!ā
Iām also very empathetic to the facial expressions of other people. I could lie and say this is from years of dealing with dementia patients, so I will.
āOh my goodness he looks sad, why does Tom Brady look so sad? Is his wife having an epileptic seizure? Someone should check herā¦. She has really nice hair. Is she a model? Wow. What does that face mean? Yikes.ā
āI think the dirty guy in the cut off sweatshirt just said the āeffā word. A lot. The guy heās yelling at looks scared. Look at him. I think heās going to cry.ā
George is used to all of this, and it generally doesnāt bother him until Iāve been at it for two or three hours, and Tom Brady is winning.
āThat stadium looks like a spaceship. Itās going to zoom up into outer space if Brady pulls this one off. Heās crazy-good. Iām sorry, I know you donāt like him, but heās really good, heās probably an alien.ā
āOh my God. Itās going into overtime. Can you believe that? Did you see how dirty his fingernails were in the replay? Isnāt that astro-turf? Why are his hands so filthy? Gross. They need a hand sanitizer person to go out with the water people. Did you see how pretty the water girl is on the Falcon sideline? Look at her.ā
Mr. Parker suffered this entire game fully believing for the first half that the Falcons were going to win, listening to my constant babble, and when the game went into overtime, heād had his fill. He got āquiet dadā voice on and made a final request for the evening.
āIāve listened to Mystery Science Theater Super Bowl for almost three hours, do you think we could just be quiet during overtime?ā
Now, I could have gotten mad and flounced off, but sometimes Iām a reasonable person and I realize I might be a little bit annoying. (Know thyself, it comes in handy for long-term relationships.) I was also pretty emotionally drained from the commercials, so I handed him the last corn dog, kissed him on the forehead and told him I was sorry Tom Brady was an alien warlock before taking my book and going to bed. Brady may have mesmerized the Falcons, but he aināt gonna get me with his mind tricks.
Stay focused, my friends. Unless thereās a squirrel or a really bad lip job to talk aboutā¦