Betting against bridezilla

By Carolyn Magner
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Dear Carolyn,

My brother is getting married in two weeks, and I’m his best man. In short, I hate his bride-to-be. Everyone does. There’s not one good thing about her. She’s mean, manipulative, and while she’s pretty enough, she’s got this freaky way of staring at you without blinking. Ewww. Anyway, I’ve tried to tell my brother to step back and think about it, but he goes off on me. Nobody knows what to do, but there is at least one betting pool that I know of. (I give it a year, max.)

Should I refuse to be his best man?


Dear Roger,

You could. And you could also beat your head against a wall. It’s not going to change his mind at this point. It’s obvious that he sees something in her that nobody else does. If you’ve already told him how you feel, you already have your answer. He’s going to do it with or without you. Put me down for six months!

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

I’m a good guy, I really am. I pay my bills, keep my truck clean, run legal, obey the law. But I just can’t seem to stay faithful to a woman. As soon as one falls in love with me, I’m already looking around for her replacement. Does this cancel out all my good traits?


Dear Bob,

I wouldn’t say it cancels you out as long as you are honest and tell the lady of the moment that her fate is predetermined. But you don’t do that, do you? You let her think that she’s special? And then, like an old Easy-Bake Oven, you toss her to the back of the closet. Sigh. Next question?

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

My husband is a pack rat. He’s got 30 years’ worth of Truckers News magazines along with every pair of shoes and jeans he’s ever owned stacked up all over the house. I can’t take it anymore. His junk is taking over my life. He said that if I was willing to clean it up, he’d let me. But how do I even begin?

Frantic in Fresno

Dear Frantic,

He’s going to “let” you clean up 30 years of stuff? What a prince. OK, this is what you do. Get several large boxes of lawn and leaf bags. Bag all his stuff and put it in three piles. One to go to the trash bin, one to the thrift shop and one for the garage sale.

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Sell the good stuff and take yourself on a nice tropical trip!

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,

My marriage is about to fall apart. We fight all the time, don’t get along and really can’t stand the sight of each other. My mother thinks we ought to have a baby, and that would give us something in common. I’m not so sure.

What do you think?

Baby Maybe

Dear Baby,

Well, let’s see. I’m trying to recall if a baby has ever in the history of marriage saved a bad marriage from failing?

Nope. Never has. Never will. It takes a heck of a good strong marriage to survive the impact of a baby.

Go your separate ways and then have babies with someone you like.

I’m just say’n.

Carolyn Magner is not a professional therapist, shrink or even a very nice person. Her advice is meant to entertain you, not solve your terrible, desperate problems. Nothing shocks her. If you are really in trouble, please call someone who has gone to school for a long time. E-mail her at [email protected].

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