Can't Buy Her Love

Carolyn Magner
[email protected]

Dear Carolyn,
I’m trying to decide what to get my wife for Valentine’s Day. No matter what I choose, I’m sure she’s going to complain about it. If I get flowers, she’ll say she wanted candy. If I get candy, she wanted lingerie. If I get lingerie, she says I’m just thinking of myself. If I get all of it, she complains that I spent too much money. A guy can’t win for losing. Why can’t she just accept the fact that I love her and I don’t need some stupid Hallmark holiday to prove it? Maybe I’ll boycott it this year.

Dear Hank,
Sigh. Why do you guys always make things so much harder than they have to be? Really. Because I am seriously tired of telling you how easy it is to navigate Valentine’s Day. It’s all spelled out for you. Buy a sweet bouquet of flowers, write a heartfelt message on a card and tell her you love her. If you think you’ve done enough, do more. This is very simple, non-rocket science stuff here. Sure, it’s an overly commercialized holiday like all the others, but what can you do about it? Women are conditioned to expect you to not only shower us with concrete proof of your love on this day, but to act like you enjoy doing it. So quit your whining and go shopping already. You want real problems? Boycott the holiday.
I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,
My boyfriend is a great guy. He’s kind, attractive, smart, has a great work ethic and treats me like a princess. I hate to complain, but that’s the problem. He puts me on a pedestal. If I put on a new outfit, I’m the most beautifully dressed woman in the place. If I sing a song, I should be on American Idol. If I snap at him, he takes the blame. He exaggerates every good quality I have. To be honest, he’s starting to make me feel kind of stabby. He’s just about on my last nerve, and lately I find myself going out of my way to be mean. How do I convince him that I’m merely mortal? I’ve not got a lot invested in this relationship and if you think I should keep trying, I will. But honestly, I think there’s something wrong with him.

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Dear Donna,
Ah, I do feel your pain. It is such a burden to be adored. A halo can easily slip down into a noose. My advice is to reach out, take his hand and jerk him to his feet. Tell him to start treating you like a partner, not a bird in a cage. To be quite frank, I don’t hold out much hope. Guys like that enjoy the idea of a woman more than they do the reality of one. That’s fun for a little while, but when the glitter wears off, he’ll be on to the next shiny object.
I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,
I got married to a great gal last year. Everything is as wonderful as I knew it would be. However, one thing is eating me up. This is my first marriage but it’s her second one. She got married when she was really young and she’s grown up a lot since then. I’m glad that we met when we did but can’t help feeling a little jealous that she’s already been through some of the things I’m just going through for the first time. Do you believe that the early bird gets the worm?

Dear Larry,
Perhaps, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m just say’n.

Confidential to Sam: No Sam, if your ex-wife has a restraining order against you, you may NOT send her flowers on Valentine’s Day, no matter how sorry you are.

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