Swine Flu? I think you might want to contact a doctor, not me.

Dear Carolyn,
My husband just called me from the road to say he’s feeling a little feverish and achy and has a wicked sore throat. He wants me to research Swine Flu. I’m petrified. Do you think he has it? What should I do? What should he do? He says he’s been eating bacon every morning for breakfast. Could that do it? I’m really scared.

Please help,

Dear Allie,
Let me get this straight. You fear your husband might have the dreaded Swine Flu and you write to me about it? Me? Really? Not your best move, but since I’m already typing, I’ll give it a shot. First, just to set the record straight: My medical expertise comes from a tendency toward hypochondria and OCD. So really, you should immediately visit this website:

It’s got everything you need to know minus all the hype, bad information and urban legends.
Here are a few things you can tell him until he can get medical attention:
· It’s safe to eat pork.
· Wash your hands.
· Cover your mouth when you cough.
· Wash your hands again.
· Don’t sneeze on anyone.
· Don’t panic.
· Don’t seek medical advice from relationship columnists.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,
I can’t believe the stupid thing I did. I accidentally slipped and told my best friend that I’ve been dating Bob, her ex-husband. Bob and I planned to keep it a secret until we knew for sure this was a relationship we both wanted. There was a lot of bad blood between the two of them, and the wounds are still raw. Now that she knows the truth, what should we do? She’s not speaking to me, and Bob is annoyed I couldn’t keep the secret.


Dear Cissy,
It’s much easier to let the cat out of the bag than it is to stuff it back in. Now that it’s out, you’ll have to take your claw marks like everyone else who goes out with their best friend’s ex. If you had asked me before you took up with Bob, I would have yelled at you and told you to look elsewhere. Even if he turns out to be the love of your life, you lost a BFF for him. Alas, telling you what I would have told you isn’t going to help now. The only thing that will help is to tell her how much she means to you and hope for the best.

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I hope he’s worth it. Really.

I’m just say’n.

Dear Carolyn,
I’m married to a woman I should never have married. We’ve been together for 20 years, and things have gone from bad to worse. She’s mean, foul-mouthed, has alienated our kids and family, is a slob and barely gives me the time of day. I know I should do something about it, but I’m on the road all the time. When I get home, I barely get the things done I need to get done before I’m back out again. Once upon a time, we were happy. But that’s been long ago. I’m miserable and seriously feel like the despair is slowly killing me.

Please help,

Dear Tommy,
You have three choices. Everyone has three choices, which is different from the three wishes you’d get if you found a genie bottle instead of my e-mail address.

One: You can keep things exactly the way they are. Stay in a miserable marriage and just accept that it is what it is and it ain’t what it ain’t.

Two: Shake things up. Take some action that will ruffle her feathers, such as giving her an ultimatum. This could/should include the agreement to attend counseling together or separately or whatever it takes.

Three: Leave the marriage. You’ll have to get a lawyer and handle all kinds of time-consuming, annoying details, but it can be done. Plenty of people do it all the time.

What you have to determine – and I can’t do it for you – is how much misery you are willing to take and what the chances are for change. I think we know what you need to do. Now get going.

I’m just say’n.