The infrastructure is funded!

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Updated Apr 2, 2015

This just in:

Goat Speaker of the HouseThe Feds announced today they are going to stop acting like a bunch of imperial wizards and begin actually co-operating with the State gubmints on highway law. They released ninety-quintrillion tax dollars that were set aside for congressional vacations and personal expense accounts to infrastructure repair and have put a stop to the multimillion-dollar tree-hugging studies of how building new bridges in America will adversely effect the learning abilities of baby wombats in Northern Ireland.

Senator Snotfart from South Carolina has this to say: “Wait a minute! I had a private jet booked for my family to attend the running of the Flickerflops in Analusia next week! Does this mean I have to pay for it out of my own pocket??”

In further news, the Speaker of the House resigned when his tanning budget was slashed. He has been replaced by the screaming goat from the GEICO commercials, and Congress has never run more efficiently.

Inside sources are reporting mayhem at the Capitol, as all elected officials have been asked to turn in their gubmint-issued credit cards. Screams of “How am I going to pay for my hair plugs?” are bouncing off the White House walls, and there have been reports of several officials actually choking to death while attempting to eat their cards so they don’t have to turn them in.

Things turned dark when Representative Rockhead from Rhode Island made a pitiful plea to the media. “Please, for the love of God, don’t make me stay in a two-star hotel when I travel. It’s so icky and they don’t have surf and turf on the room-service menu!!”

While the transition from demi-Kingdom to Democracy will be difficult for a great majority of those involved to accept, it will actually benefit the people who pay the taxes that pay their salaries. This is a novel idea – and one we’ll keep you updated on.

It’s April 1, and this entire post may or may not be a filthy lie, but we all know who the fools are.