Hip, hip hurrah or hip replacement?

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I got my first AARP card in the mail this week. It only costs me $16 a year to officially prove I’m old. Life’s been good to me so far. (If you didn’t just have a Joe Walsh moment, you’re probably too young to know what an AARP card is anyway, so go away, fetus.)

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I’m kidding, I’m just grumpy because I’m card-carrying old these days. (Get off my lawn.)

So, besides an occasional free doughnut and monthly magazine, it looks like my AARP benefits are pretty relegated to things I’d be enjoying in life anyway. What kind of exclusive old people club doesn’t give deep discounts on hip replacements and dentures? (You kids don’t know what suffering is.)

I made fun of George the first time he bought a AAA policy. Told him the membership came with two tickets for the early-bird special at M&B Cafeteria. Laughed about making sure his black knee socks had a pocket on the side of them, so he could have a handy place to keep his AAA card. Guess who’s a year younger than me and didn’t get an AARP card in the mail this week? (That’s right, I’m a cougar. Though I’m not 100 percent sure if having a husband a year younger than me qualifies in the “cougar” category, or just the “mildly pitiful” range. Since I’m grumping around here, I’ll choose “mildly pitiful.”)

He could have taken the opportunity to make fun of me, get me back for the AAA jokes, but he didn’t. Or maybe he did, when he mentioned I could probably get a discount on the early-bird special at M&B Cafeteria with my fancy new old people card.

You know what? To hell with it. I’m embracing my 50s. I’m taking the free doughnuts, and the discounts at M&B Cafeteria. I may even buy a pair of compression socks for myself for Christmas, with a pocket on the side of them, to keep my AARP card handy. (Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have compression socks, we just tied bread bags around our legs before we walked four miles in the snow to the M&B Cafeteria …)