Doggone it!

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Dear Carolyn,
I’m dating a great gal but there’s one small problem. She doesn’t like dogs and I have two fabulous Labrador retrievers named Ben and Jerry. Five years ago I found them shivering in a cardboard box in the back of a truck stop and I took them in without thinking about it too much. They’ve been my most loyal companions ever since. It gets pretty crowded in the cab with two large dogs but they make me happy and keep me calm. We run together every day and my health has improved dramatically since they came into my life. I don’t understand why she doesn’t like them. They adore her although, frankly, they adore everyone. They require my time and attention but I deeply, truly love those two dogs. It’s come down to her telling me I have to choose between her and my pets.
I’m very torn because she’s the best looking girlfriend I’ve ever had.
What should I do?

Dear Brad,
You lost me at “she doesn’t like dogs.” There is something seriously deranged about this woman and you must dump her, block her cell phone number, delete her email and never ever see her again. Then, you must immediately count your blessings that you wrote this letter to me. I can’t predict what other–more qualified– advice columnists might tell you. Perhaps they would suggest working out a compromise or something equally repugnant. I, on the other hand, have saved you from making a terrible mistake and ruining your life.
I’m just say’n,