Beauty Meets Beast



Sometimes ugly is in the mind of the beheld

Dear Carolyn,

Carolyn Magner is not a professional therapist, shrink or even a very nice person. Her advice is meant to entertain you, not solve your terrible, desperate problems. Email Carolyn at [email protected].

Enclosed is a picture of the girl I am in love with. I also put in a picture of myself so you can see the problem. I am an overweight, ugly guy, and she is beautiful. What is so weird about it is that she says she thinks I am handsome, wonderful, funny and kind, which makes me wonder about her eyesight or, worse, her IQ.

I get it that one shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and all of that. But I already am the butt of the joke when I introduce her to family or friends. “Wow, does she need glasses?” is what I usually get. She laughs it off and says I shouldn’t take things so personally. I want to believe her, but what happens down the road when Beauty wakes up and realizes she’s stuck with Beast?


Dear Paul,

First of all, while I don’t see George Clooney in your photo, I don’t see “ugly” either. However, I do think you may have some slightly unresolved self-esteem issues.

Here is my advice: Work on yourself. Start a diet/fitness program if your weight is bothering you. As far as answering the jokers, just say, “I’m a lucky guy.”

I’m just say’n.


“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

— Groucho Marx


Wife wants time alone with long-haul husband

Dear Carolyn,

I am married to a wonderful man. He’s a long-haul trucker and is gone most of the time. We have worked out the long-distance relationship thing and stay connected while he is on the road.

The problem is when he comes home. All his family and friends want to see him. I get that, but it cuts into the precious time we have together to just hang out and catch up. I try to have a dinner where everyone is invited but he gets torn in all directions. His mom wants him to come over and help her in the yard. His dad wants him to work on his car. And so forth and so on.

I don’t want to be selfish, but we need couple time, too. How can I tell his family that they are intruding?


Dear Sally,

You can’t. He has to. Of course his parents want time with him, but it sounds like they are also concerned about getting chores done. That’s where he’s going to have to draw the line.

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I suggest he do it gently but firmly and begin by telling them ahead of time. It can go something like this: “Mom, I’m excited about seeing you at dinner, but Sally and I have plans during the day when you want me to mow the lawn.”

I’m just say’n.



Trucker blames career for failed marriage

Dear Carolyn

I was happily married for five years, but as it turns out, my wife was not. She never shared that particular tidbit of information in our short time together. As far as I knew, all was well. I’m not pretending that I’m perfect, but I’m not a mind reader. I came home from a long trip and she had moved out and left me a note saying she was filing for divorce. No explanation. No reason.

Later, I found out that she found another guy. While I was out there calling her, sending her texts, mailing funny cards and generally trying to do a good job to put a roof over her head, she was “lonely.”

I’m bitter, and I blame the trucking life for my marriage’s break-up. If I could be home like a normal human, she would not have had to turn to another guy out of loneliness. So, my advice is to get the heck out of trucking.

I’m just say’n,


Dear Ben,

You didn’t choose the wrong profession, you chose the wrong gal. Plenty of long-distance marriages work out. It takes two committed people, and in your case, you were a party of one.

I’m just say’n.



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