George & Wendy Show

Wendy Parker

Things truckers deal with that would be weird if everyone did them

| December 06, 2017

Let’s face it. Truckers are different. They deal with things other people don’t have to, and have jobs that stray so far into their total existence that they sometimes take for granted how weird it would be if everyone did things like truckers have to do them.

Imagine showing up at Grandma’s house on Saturday afternoon, with a pickup truck slap full of things Granny asked you to bring to her from the church warehouse. You back the truck up in the driveway, and jump out to unload it just as Granny steps out of the house with her friend, Guido, and tells you to get your damn hands off the goods because Guido is going to unload it. And to add to the shock of it all, you’ll be paying Guido $300 to perform this service.

Now, most folks would immediately consider that Guido is holding Granny hostage and slap him in the head with a sock full of quarters real quick. But a trucker would ask Granny if she had a pallet jack and a wavier to sign for liability release, and give Guido the finger instead of $300.

Mark Granny off the list for load coverage. Pronto.

Binds wounds and grounds wires. Yee-ha!

So, imagine being on the brownie committee for the school fundraiser. You go deliver the brownies you’ve been asked to make at the designated committee member’s home, and because of the sheer number of people donating brownies, you have to wait around to be marked off a list. During this wait, nature calls, and you ask if you can use the facilities, and are told “no.” And when you ask if there are any facilities you can use on the premises, you’re told “no.” So you ask if you can leave your brownies and go find a place to use the facilities, without losing your place in line, and you’re told “no.”

Now, no offense to soccer moms, but I would feel comfortable betting my eye teeth a person fitting that stereotype would lose their damn mind if they were refused a restroom. I can almost guarantee the law would be called at some point, and the complainant would be told, “It’s private property. They do what they want to do.”

Meanwhile, the trucker goes out to their vehicle, pees in a bottle, and hopefully disposes of it properly. (Which I believe a great majority of them do, because I know there have to be a lot more pee bottles than the ones we see on the side of the road, just statistically speaking. I do see a large number of dirty baby diapers and pee bottles in places trucks have never been allowed, so there’s that.)

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Also, to heck with the brownie committee. Y’all need a public bathroom.

Here’s a startling thought: what if everyone had a 14-hour clock? You’re sitting in the emergency room with a sliced-up finger and the surgeon sewing it back together falls out like a fainting goat half-way through the procedure. The aides run in, drag him out of the way, and explain that Dr. Doodad made a grave error in stitch planning and unfortunately over-ran his 14 hour clock. You’re asked to hold on — to the wound, son, hold on to the wound so you don’t bleed out – until they get another doc with fresh hours up there.

Regular folk probably wouldn’t go for it. They’d threaten lawsuits and flail around and make the finger bleed more by pitching a fit. Truckers would be like, “I need a roll of electrical tape and a shop towel. I gotta be in Tucumcari tomorrow, I can’t fool with you. Tell Dr. Doodad to go back to paper logs. Peace out.”

Yep. Truckers are different.

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