Facial hair swings both ways

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I’m sure the fact that most long haul drivers don’t spend every morning showering and shaving contributes to the excessive amounts of facial hair on the road. Truckers work the most ungodly hours, so if they’re making any money, it’s because they don’t always take time to shave and spiff up for the four wheelers.

My husband started out with a little mustache/goatee combo that has over time become a beard any Viking would be jealous of. He keeps it trimmed tight, and shaves his cheeks, because furry cheeks are gross. It makes him look really intimidating and mean. I dig it. Our son is forever trying to convince him to weave tiny gold rings into it, like the Nords. He’s not going for it.

I’ve seen some pretty fantastic beards since I’ve been out. Some guys really take a lot of time with it, and it shows. There’s a guy out there in an old Mack somewhere who has a three foot long, white beard he parts in the middle and throws over his shoulders like Rapunzel’s locks. I’ve seen him twice now, next time I’m going to get the nerve up to ask him for a picture.

Beards can also be deceptive.

“Did you see that cashier in the truck stop?” I asked. “He looked just like Gregg Allman. He had that weird little lower lip beard and everything.”

“Did you read his name tag?”

“No. Was his name Gregg? That would be so weird.”

“Even weirder, his name was Cindy. He was a she.”

“There’s no freaking way. He totally had a lower lip beard. That was a guy.”

“I’m telling you, it was a woman. She had really slim hands and was wearing a name tag that said Cindy.”

“How come you always get to see the transvestites? I never see them.”

“That wasn’t a transvestite. It was a woman with a terrible facial hair problem.”

“Did you think she was pretty?”

“Why do you always ask me that? I don’t think women with mustaches are attractive.”

“Even cool Gregg Allman lower lip mustaches?”

“No babe, not even cool lower lip mustaches. Can we not talk about this anymore?”

“Do I have a mustache?”

This is where he turns the music up really loud and I start shopping online for facial hair remover.