The whips and nae naes

“Now watch me whip…now watch me nae nae…”

OK, I hate the song as much as you probably do, but you have to admit, it’s catchy. It’s also the soundtrack that runs through my head as I watch four-wheelers traveling just under the speed of light while they “whip” and “nae nae” in, out and around our truck, as we plod along, doing the split (also known as “stupid”) speed limit. I can just hear the drivers of these fetid little asteroids singing, “Ooooh, watch me! Watch me!” as they make George slam on brakes 90 times a day. I can also hear myself singing, “I’ll break your legs, I’ll break your legs…” as my retort.

Do the stanky leg!

I’m pretty sure I’ve been clear on this, but I’d like to reiterate how completely ridiculous and dangerous split speed limits are, and I can’t print the words that come to mind when I think of speed limiters being mandated on all trucks, while the same limits increase for private vehicles. This isn’t an opinion based on “data,” it’s fact from people who live out here on the road. It’s like giving a bunch of monkeys a box of matches and a stick of dynamite – it might take a minute, but eventually, it’s going to rain monkey guts on any poor soul who happens to be in the general vicinity.

Instead of whining, which I have clearly mastered at this point, I’d like to propose that highway law be the same for every individual using the roads – across the board. No one should drive more than 11 hours, no one should be allowed to go faster than 64, and anyone caught “whipping” or “nae nae-ing” will be shot on sight. (OK, I’ll forgo the capital punishment for the whips, but the nae naes must be stopped.)

I have a distinct feeling this would never even be considered, because the general public has rights, and they’d scream and fall all over themselves before they’d adhere to the rules and regulations truckers have to abide by. And when the crying started, I’d stand back and say, “Aw poor baby, does someone need a little nappie? Because according to this electronic box in our truck, you’re a tired little thing, bless your heart.”

It doesn’t make sense to continue regulating the professional driver while allowing those who are the cause of roughly 80 percent of the accidents between trucks and cars to drive faster and faster. In fact, like most of the regulation that has come down from the FMCSA recently, it should be the direct opposite. The trained, professional driver should have more rights on the road than Suzy Soccer mom, who ventures out on the highway only during the season to away games, and drives 35 mph surface streets 99 percent of the time. She should be the one being hyper-regulated, not the person who lives on the highway 12 months a year, and drives for a living.

But that’s never going to happen. Because it makes sense.