āNow watch me whipā¦now watch me nae naeā¦ā
OK, I hate the song as much as you probably do, but you have to admit, itās catchy. Itās also the soundtrack that runs through my head as I watch four-wheelers traveling just under the speed of light while they āwhipā and ānae naeā in, out and around our truck, as we plod along, doing the split (also known as āstupidā) speed limit. I can just hear the drivers of these fetid little asteroids singing, āOoooh, watch me! Watch me!ā as they make George slam on brakes 90 times a day. I can also hear myself singing, āIāll break your legs, Iāll break your legsā¦ā as my retort.

Iām pretty sure Iāve been clear on this, but Iād like to reiterate how completely ridiculous and dangerous split speed limits are, and I canāt print the words that come to mind when I think of speed limiters being mandated on all trucks, while the same limits increase for private vehicles. This isnāt an opinion based on ādata,ā itās fact from people who live out here on the road. Itās like giving a bunch of monkeys a box of matches and a stick of dynamite ā it might take a minute, but eventually, itās going to rain monkey guts on any poor soul who happens to be in the general vicinity.
Instead of whining, which I have clearly mastered at this point, Iād like to propose that highway law be the same for every individual using the roads ā across the board. No one should drive more than 11 hours, no one should be allowed to go faster than 64, and anyone caught āwhippingā or ānae nae-ingā will be shot on sight. (OK, Iāll forgo the capital punishment for the whips, but the nae naes must be stopped.)
I have a distinct feeling this would never even be considered, because the general public has rights, and theyād scream and fall all over themselves before theyād adhere to the rules and regulations truckers have to abide by. And when the crying started, Iād stand back and say, āAw poor baby, does someone need a little nappie? Because according to this electronic box in our truck, youāre a tired little thing, bless your heart.ā
It doesnāt make sense to continue regulating the professional driver while allowing those who are the cause of roughly 80 percent of the accidents between trucks and cars to drive faster and faster. In fact, like most of the regulation that has come down from the FMCSA recently, it should be the direct opposite. The trained, professional driver should have more rights on the road than Suzy Soccer mom, who ventures out on the highway only during the season to away games, and drives 35 mph surface streets 99 percent of the time. She should be the one being hyper-regulated, not the person who lives on the highway 12 months a year, and drives for a living.
But thatās never going to happen. Because it makes sense.