Space truckin’, gubmint-style

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Astronomers have recently come upon some pretty interesting things in space. Observed through the Kepler Telescope, a star located roughly 1,500 light years away from Earth appears to have what may be “alien megastructures” orbiting it. Needless to say, everyone at NASA is in a tizzy over the possibilities, hypothesis of alien life have been made and unfortunately, the gubmint has stepped in to save the day.

“Interstellar weigh station, one mile ahead.”“Interstellar weigh station, one mile ahead.”

Upon hearing the announcement, Representative Howard Horsehair immediately proposed a bill to mandate all aliens must wear tinfoil-lined helmets while visiting Earth. He states, “99 percent of head injuries occur to aliens when they’re not wearing a helmet. We can reduce that number exponentially by mandating alien noggin protection.” When questioned about the purpose of the tinfoil liner, he goes on to say, “It’s a bi-fold cautionary measure – the helmet will protect them from injury while the tinfoil will protect us, the American public, from alien mind control.” Further questions of, “What if they don’t have heads?” were ignored, and the bill passed immediately.

NASA began plans for a manned space expedition to the star but have since had to re-think their efforts, because the FMCSA stepped in and mandated that all spacecraft carrying commercial goods to interstellar locations must be governed at 64 miles per hour. Efforts from NASA to explain that anything traveling less than a thousand miles per second will fall off into the abyss of space and be sucked into oblivion were met with the argument, “It’s our responsibility to see that all commercial vehicles maintain a safe speed, regardless of oblivion.”

They then hiked the minimum insurance requirements to eleven gabillion dollars for all vehicles traveling the Milky Way, due to so many being sucked into oblivion as a result of the speed governors.

The 1,500-light-year trip will be a Herculean effort, especially since all astronauts will be required to take a 30 minute break after eight hours of spaceship piloting, and a 10-hour break out of every 24. Requests for information about safe parking of their crafts during these breaks have been ignored, as professional astronauts should be able to master trip planning enough to find safe haven where it doesn’t exist. Silly astronauts.

Food won’t be a problem, as it’s estimated there are approximately nine million Subway sandwich shops along the route to Star KIC 8462852. Those coming in from the dark side of the moon route are going to have to settle for Chester’s Chicken, whose shops are also abundant.

And let’s not forget the EPA, who has announced that particulates emanating from the alien structures are higher than their limits allow. “We will fine each structure approximately 900 Earth dollars a minute, until they install DPFs in all locations we deem necessary.” When asked what they plan to do with the revenue generated the response was, “Buy more video games and remodel our offices in Fresno.”

It’s an exciting time, full of limitless possibilities. However, the Possibilities Police have announced each individual will be issued only one possibility credit for future use, due to the high rate of success among people who actually use more than one in a lifetime. “We can’t have people running all over the place, using up all the opportunities here. We’re here to help by limiting the availability, so everyone can have at least one to use.”

Thanks, gubmint!