Time to re-regulate the filthy lies

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So, I guess the Salem News is more interested in fairy tales than actual reporting. This isn’t a surprise — it’s a mainstream news agency with an AP wire, but seriously, when I read an article that contains actual numbers and statistics and think it’s something from the Onion satire site, it’s time to retaliate.

Get your filthy lies here!Get your filthy lies here!

Freelance writer Joseph Doyle’s ridiculous “Time to Re-Regulate Trucking” piece in the Salem News was so full of filthy lies, it borders on criminal. According to Mr. Doyle, at any given moment, 13 percent of professional drivers on the road are driving drowsy. I find it miraculous and attribute it to his uncanny ability to pull things from his nether regions and call them “statistics.”

(I have it on good authority that 99 percent of private vehicles contain at least one person with a single digit IQ, and 88 percent of the time, they’re the ones operating the vehicle with a phone in one hand, a full three-course meal in their lap, and maintaining an attitude that anyone who dares question their skills is drowsy and possibly an insurgent. These numbers may reflect some personal opinion, and are in no way factual, but are probably closer than anything Doyle referenced.)

He goes on to say that 80 to 90 percent of truckers are independent owner-ops, which I find fascinating. Again, I attribute this to the file he is apparently so fond of. He should probably have that looked at — it can’t be healthy to carry around all that pertinent information in your colon.

Of course, he has to throw in some tidbits about 9/11 that I’ve re-read about a hundred times to figure out just why in the heck it’s mentioned at all. (The ever-present IFTA sticker on tractors, too, is referred to as the NAFTA tax sticker. –ed.) Then it dawned on me – you can’t make sense from insanely stupid statements. Like one of the comments on the article said, “This guy says two plus three equals California.”

Also, aliens wear purple hats.

To top it all off, Mr. Doyle reports that it costs $1,500 to $1,800 dollars to fill the tanks of a big rig. Um, I’m not great at math, but I know this would require about a 700 gallon tank capacity at today’s prices, and I’m pretty dang sure Freightliner isn’t rolling out any models with that option.

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I could go on and on with this piece, but it makes my brain hurt to swim in such a swirling abyss of nonsense. Suffice it to say, the Salem Press has done the trucking industry a huge injustice in even considering printing such filthy lies, without at least a disclaimer saying absolutely nothing in it was researched, and all figures contained are purely the product of a very active imagination.

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