Things four-wheelers believe

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Updated Mar 13, 2016

One of the highest compliments we receive is when someone completely unaffiliated with the trucking industry tells us they’ve learned something they didn’t know about how big trucks operate from information they read in the blog. As silly as it is sometimes, I do try to impart some of the intricacies of trucking I myself never knew – even being married to a trucker – before I lost my mind and went on the road with George.

turn-signals-memeWatching traffic for the hundreds and thousands of miles we’ve been so far, I’ve not only learned things about trucking, I’ve learned some things about people in general. First and foremost, at least 35 percent of the licensed drivers on the road, CDL holders included, shouldn’t be walking in public, much less operating heavy machinery that has enough torque to turn the earth. Some of the things I’ve seen around the 285 loop in Atlanta are absolutely terrifying. Dallas at 5 p.m. on a Friday is something that will drive a Christian to cuss, and that’s putting it mildly.

I can’t even talk about Nashville in the rain. It’s too painful.

I’ve written several articles about things four-wheelers don’t know about trucking and truckers, but there are some things I think they don’t know about themselves that bear to be mentioned. As with most of my posts, there is a distinct likelihood of filthy lies and possible exaggerations. Also, before anyone gets offended and calls me a potato chip, please know it’s an attempt at humor. I laugh so I don’t cry.

Things four-wheelers believe:

Section 1, paragraph A: Four-wheel drive makes the driver impervious to kryptonite, diabetes, and enormously high speeds during dangerous road conditions, including and not limited to, locust, plague and zombie infestation.

Guys, I really hate to tell you, but it doesn’t matter if you have all four wheels turning when they’re turning on ice. Swear it. It’s in the manual, right beside “cruise control is in no way, shape or form an auto pilot.”

Turn signals are vague suggestions or a neat way to attract lighting bugs, I can’t remember. Either way, it’s none of your business which way I’m going, I have rights and I pay for this road with my taxes. Gah.

Hi kids, me again with bad news – it’s a law, and those taxes you’re so proud of paying are collected in part to uphold those laws, so get over yourself and use the turn signals. Also be advised that when other people have the sense and courtesy to use them, they’re not kidding. They need to get over and safety dictates that you either slow down or speed up, but get the yellow hell out of the way, and do it quickly.

Holding my phone, looking at it and talking into it is safer than texting. As long as I keep a thumb on the wheel, I’m perfectly safe. Who needs to watch boring old traffic for every single second? I have things to order online and Tweets to Twitter, and sailing down the highway at 70 doesn’t really require my complete attention – I’m not using the keyboard, it’s safe. There’s a reason I paid for ABS.

Wet blanket here, just checking in to let you know “hands free” laws should actually be called “eyes free” laws. It doesn’t matter if you’re holding it, eating it, or fiddling with it, anything that makes you take your eyes off the road in front of you is a danger to you and everyone around you. And I’m not going to preach the “life can change in a split second” thing, because until you actually see a car or truck disintegrate in front of you, like they went through a black hole, you really cannot grasp the time frame. Suffice it to say that there is more truth to the split-second rule then anyone ever really knows while attending the mortal coil.

It’s perfectly acceptable to cross 27 lanes of traffic to make an exit at the last possible second, especially if I use my turn signal. I should also brake hard, right in front of the 80,000-lb. truck that is grudgingly obeying traffic lane restriction laws by remaining in the two right hand lanes, because the exit is full and I might scratch my black BMW.

All I’m going to insert here is a pox on you. And your family. I sincerely hope you get the herptafluffalupugus virus between every toe you have amongst you.

This is probably enough for a good start. I’m sure there are many, many other misconceptions we could add, but this post has gone to more than 600 words, and statistically, not many of you have made it through to the end. You probably use turn signals, too. God bless you.

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