Don’t poke the bear

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Let’s talk about slamming on brakes for no apparent reason while traveling on the highway.

It sends me into gales of fury when we have to achieve whiplash standards because someone does it in front of us.

The End.

Dont-poke-the-bearThat could totally be the post of the day, but Todd probably wouldn’t appreciate a 20 word contribution, so I’ll expound on why slamming on brakes for no reason should be punishable by law and swift taps to the ears, forehead and nose with a rubber mallet.

We’ve all been there, zipping along in a neat little pack, everyone minding their own business, keeping safe distances and maintaining speeds. “Doodly doo, I’m going with the flow of traffic, tra la la…” Suddenly, on the horizon, someone in front of the group sees a bear with a capture, on the other side of the highway, and slams on brakes like there’s a baby in the road, causing everyone around them to also slam on brakes, because they think there’s a baby in the road.

If I were a cop, I’d leave my capture to arrest the brake jammers, because they infuriate me, and also because it’s dangerous as hell to slam on brakes for no good reason on the highway. (I know this seems like redundant information, but I swear there are people using the roads, some of them in big trucks, who don’t know it.)

We took inspiration from Todd Campbell and took the “skinny roads” to Tennessee from Ohio this weekend. I’m not sure if it was just a busy weekend for brake jammers, or the skinny roads encourage brake jamming, but it seems like we spent most of the day creeping along, just waiting for someone to either pass us in an impossible spot or slam on brakes and come to a complete stop to make a right hand turn, or both. I’m not sure what personal dynamics are involved within an individual who will pass illegally on a solid line two lane, just to slam on brakes in front of you, but I’m pretty sure “jackass” is part of the equation.

It wasn’t all bad, we happened upon the birthplace of Sgt. Alvin York, who happens to be one of the baddest mo-fo’s ever in the history of the United States Armed Forces. Sgt. York took 132 German soldiers into capture and marched their butts through enemy territory like a dang boss, after he had wiped out their machine gunners with a side arm. The guy was so incredibly cool, he yelled to the Germans to quit poking their heads up, because he didn’t want to kill them, but he would if he had to, and he had killed so many already, they finally believed him and gave up.

“Upon returning to his unit, York reported to his brigade commander, General Julian R. Lindsey, who remarked, “Well York, I hear you have captured the whole damn German army.” York replied, “No sir. I got only 132.”

They don’t make people like that anymore. It was worth every brake check to take a minute to stop and show respect for a great American hero. Sometimes, it’s OK to take the skinny roads, but for the love of God, don’t slam on brakes for no reason.

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