This is why we can’t have celestial events

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I mean, I thought I was a little obsessive about Bigfoot, but apparently I pale in comparison to the eclipse hunters. They are closing down schools and trucking companies in some of the direct path areas, and I have it on good authority all lifeforms will cease to function rationally, due to three minutes of darkness, because that never happens.

Oh, except for every single damn day. It’s called sunset. Google it.

As a matter of fact, why don’t y’all Google yourselves up an eclipse and stay off the highways? Are you kidding me with this? Oregon 127 was stacked up for 15 miles yesterday, and we’re still three days out from Armageddon … I mean, the actual event.

PS: Don’t drive with eclipse glasses on. You know, because it’s hard to see through black construction paper while you’re operating a moving vehicle.PS: Don’t drive with eclipse glasses on. You know, because it’s hard to see through black construction paper while you’re operating a moving vehicle.

I don’t get the urge to travel somewhere to be able to say I was there. Are you on the planet, son? Well, you attended the event. It’s like hearing a Molly Hatchet concert from the parking lot. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean you weren’t there.

We’re going to be right in the middle of a bunch of nightmare inadvertently, like a lot of other travelers who don’t feel the need to possibly burn their retinas out while thousands of miles away from home, and are probably trying to work. Y’all know why you don’t have any eclipse glasses? Because you’re clogging up the dang highway and the trucks carrying them can’t get through. Lord have mercy, everybody, just calm down. And get off my lawn!

I sincerely hope the general public can keep their Cheerios in their snack bags and not freak out when the solar corona removes everyone’s hair like a laser, disrupts cell towers and evaporates the internet. I’m sure we’ll all be able to carry on just fine when birds fly backward and monkeys spontaneously turn themselves inside out. I mean, who needs retinas? It will be a blessing to be unable to view giant spaceships, as they descend upon us. It’s been nice knowing all of you. Give my rock collection to the children aliens, they’ll enjoy it.

Remember folks, it’s just an eclipse, it can’t hurt you unless you’re dumb enough to stare directly into the sun for three minutes, and if that’s the case, you’re probably not going to do well with the inside-out monkeys anyway, so have at it!

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