When grabbing the right bug-out bag matters

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Updated Aug 23, 2017

Hey y’all, guess what? There’s gonna be an eclipse today. I’m sure this is a huge surprise, it’s not like the entire world hasn’t lost their damn minds over it. People are mumbling to themselves and anyone else who will listen about the eclipse, in every corner of the truck stops, restaurants and liquor stores across the nation.

Happy apocalypse – hope you’re incinerated quickly, with no pain. :)Happy apocalypse – hope you’re incinerated quickly, with no pain. :)

Just yesterday, when I was foolish enough to believe there would be a public restroom on I-75 South between Ohio and Cuba that didn’t have a line like a Rolling Stones concert, I stood and listened to people chatter breathlessly to one another about the event. I know you’re going to think I’m lying, but we heard a blind guy talking about how he and his friends were going to “see” it, and he was the only one who didn’t need special glasses. Did you catch the part about him being blind? It was one of those social situations where you’re not really sure if laughing is appropriate. I just kind of did the Rain Man “yeah, definitely” and hoped not to offend. Stupid eclipse.

George and I decided a long time ago this would be the day the nutbags will decide to rise up, and do weird nutbag things, like don purple sweatsuits and step out into traffic, which is not funny at all, and a distinct possibility. We got to our destination last night, and do not intend to move again until tomorrow morning.

We always keep a “bug-out” bag ready for each of us, but it’s pretty extensive, and truly designed for the zombie apocalypse and never returning home again, so we decided to pack lesser versions for the eclipse – just in case. (Side note: How paranoid does it sound that we classify our “versions” of bug-out bags? Should I change that up? Nah. It’s the truth, and the truth is sometimes paranoid. Maybe. Who knows? I think the gubmint is responsible for the eclipse, but that’s neither here nor there. They’re definitely lying to us about the aliens.)

Unfortunately, when you have six different green, black and gray backpacks in the cabinet, and two of them are camera equipment, you sometimes grab the bag full of guns, instead of the Canon. (Haha — see what I did there? Canon is the camera brand George shoots with… OK, back to the bag of guns.)

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Of course, George knew I had the wrong bag, because it’s his camera and he’s had that bag as long as we’ve had children. He also knows exactly which gun is where at every given moment, because you should know that if you own guns. It’s part of the pesky “responsibility” that goes with the “rights” people scream about so much.

“That’s the wrong bag. That one is full of guns.”

“You have a backpack full of guns?”

“You don’t?”

“Well, yeah, I guess, but I don’t keep my camera in it.”

“That’s not my camera bag.”

“Oh yeah! Haha – how funny would it be to show up in Dallas and whip out an H&K 9mm instead of a camera at the show?”

“Not funny at all.”

“Well, I mean … not funny ‘haha’ but funny like, people would never forget it.”

He didn’t say it, but he definitely adopted a pose of “no” and put his sack full of guns back in the cabinet. And I realized that not everyone has a George, and there are a lot of super-crazy people out there today, and some of them may have grabbed the wrong back pack, or even worse, grabbed the right one and it had something like live rattlesnakes in it that they’re going to turn loose on a subway, because the Eclipse Maiden came to them in a dream, after they drank turpentine and licked a sink at the Pilot, and told them to. See how crazy it is?

Y’all be careful out there today. And if we all live through the eclipse, and the people traveling towards it, we’ll see ya’ in Dallas.