Don’t ban me, bro

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This just in: Everything is banned.

I’d like to give a complete list of the banned items, thoughts, beliefs and actions, but the ban police might ban me from the interwebs if I do. I could possibly be banned from being banned, but that might tear a hole in the space-time continuum, and then we’d be banned from outer space, so I’ll just keep it on the down low.

What the hell is going on?

Tomorrow is Independence Day, and I’d like to wear my Dukes of Hazard tee shirt to the fireworks show, but the shirt is banned and fireworks have been banned in a lot of places this year. I’d fly my American flag, but Lord knows if it’s not the right colors or shapes, I’d be offending Walmart, Warner Brothers and the small percentage of the general public who have nothing better to do than sit around and be offended. Heaven forbid the people who live in their mom’s basement and troll Facebook for things to offend them be upset by something. We just can’t have it.

This is beige. I’m sure someone is offended.This is beige. I’m sure someone is offended.

Here’s what I have to say about all the bans. If you’re offended by something, don’t participate in it. And if you can’t control yourself enough to just not participate and leave people alone, you can get in your little offended boat and sail off down the river I-don’t-give-a-crap and start your own little country where everything is banned. (It’s called Cuba, by the way.) We don’t bother you, and let me state unequivocally that your neck beard and skinny jeans offend the crap out of me, but I’d never ban you from having them, because I enjoy freedom and wouldn’t take it from any law-abiding citizen. (Side note: skinny jeans have recently been found to cause medical problems in people who are stupid enough to wear them so tight they cut off vital circulation. Let’s blame the jeans. That makes sense.)

Get a grip, people. This is America and you have the right to be offended all you want. You also have the right to change things, but sometimes, doing something just because you can do it isn’t reason enough to make others suffer.

The Roman Emperor Caligula once sent his troops to war with the ocean. Yeah, the ocean. He did it because he could. People actually died gathering shells from the depths of the sea because the nutbag Emperor wanted the “spoils of war” from his rage against Poseidon, who just happens to be a mythical God. If you know anything about history, you know things didn’t end well for Rome or Caligula, and it’s probably because they did a lot of nutty things, just because they could.

We’ll spend our 4th doing what we always do – celebrating freedom and being thankful we had ancestors who had enough backbone to be offended, but enough sense to temper it and go about making a plan for everyone to have the same rights instead of knee-jerk hysteria bans. There’s nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe, that’s what this country is all about. There is a whole lot wrong with forcing people to live under tyranny and fantastically strange ideas, just because you think it’s right. Stop it.

God Bless America, and if you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Amen and pass the peas…

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