This just in: We got a truck driver shortage. Not really. But wait! There’s a truck driver shortage! Oh, hold on, not really, just kidding. OH MY GOD THERE’S A TRUCK DRIVER SHORTAGE! We’re all going to starve and die!
“Hide the children, Ethel, there’s a truck driver shortage! There will be pillaging, I just know it!”
(Ethel is secretly sad she will miss the pillaging, as she dutifully hides the children.)
Later that evening, when the house is quiet, little Jimmy sneaks from his hiding place in the cellar, steals upstairs, kneels beside his parent’s bed, and whispers, “Daddy, tell me the truth about the trucker shortage.”
Father gathers little Jimmy up, snugs him between himself and Mother (who is having trouble sleeping, because she can’t stop thinking about the potential pillaging), and begins the sad tale.
“You see son, there are giant trucking companies, who own thousands of trucks. They need people to drive those trucks, so they hire pretty much anything with a pulse and a CDL to drive them. Consequently, things with a pulse and a CDL don’t generally make great employees, especially when they’re being paid sub-standard pay, so the turnover rate, or rate these folks walk off the job, is 100 percent.”
“But Daddy, Miss Smith the math teacher taught us that 100 percent is all of something.”
“That’s right, son. Statistically, all of their drivers quit. Eventually, the pool of things with a pulse and a CDL begins to run dry, and this is what they call a driver shortage.”
“But even I know that’s not a driver shortage, daddy. That’s a steering wheel holder shortage, and it’s a good thing, right?”
“That’s my boy. I’m proud you know the difference.”
“And what about the smaller companies, Daddy, what about owner-operators like you?”
“Well son, they don’t seem to be having such a hard time. My company has less than 25 percent churn, the 30 trucks or less operations have about the same.”
“What’s the difference, Daddy? Why don’t people leave those companies, too?”
“Three things, son. Respect, training and better wages.”
“So basically, what licensed professionals deserve anyway.”
“You make me proud, boy. You’ve hit the nail on the head again.”
“Daddy, there’s not a trucker shortage at all, there’s a shortage of respect, training and better wages, right?”
“That’s right.”
Satisfied and pleased with himself, Jimmy reached over, patted Momma on her rigid shoulder, and said, “It’s OK Momma, there won’t be pillaging.”
As he trundled off towards bed, Momma said, “You go on and sleep in the cellar, Jimmy, you hear? You can never be too sure about those pillagers.”
