This just in:
Everything is banned, and what isn’t banned is immediately and henceforth considered offensive and/or dangerous to the entire human condition.
Tawana Wannamakem, President of People Righteously Offended By Everything, or PROBE, makes this statement: “We don’t like anything and everything is dangerous, unless we say it isn’t.”
Gubmint officials hopped on board with PROBE’s efforts to ban everything and issued their own statement:
“We agree with PROBE and would like to put forth legislation to effectively ban every single thing. Among other things, this law will make sitting, standing or walking anywhere without a gubmint-approved bubble-wrap bodysuit and helmet a felonious offense. It will also include saying things like ‘Hello’ to strangers, teachers, bulldogs and wart-faced whippoorwills, without first signing a contract and offering the blood of your ancestors as a token of good faith before speaking.”
They sealed the deal by establishing the hashtag #wartfacelivesmatter and having Kim Kardashian retweet it, twice.
Cotton batting manufacturers are up in arms. Nelson Nutcracker, Chief Operating Officer of the Cotton Dammit! group, screams foul with this retort: “Bubble wrap is the devil! We need to be gently cradled in cotton, not bubble wrap! Where is the justice in this? We’re suing anyone who purchases a mandated bubble suit, and refuse to make Q-tips until this madness ends!”
This, of course, set the group PETOE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Earwax) off into fits. Garbanzo Beanie, representative for PETOE, cites earwax rights and its entitlement to fair and unbiased Q-tips. “We’ve established that earwax has unalienable rights, and should be included in any decisions or legislation regarding cotton, Q-tips, or Tanzanian Tortoises.”
Meanwhile, law-abiding citizens are urged to remain in their homes, curled in the fetal position, for time and all eternity. Norm Malguy, who isn’t affiliated with any group but has a cool name, asks this burning question of PROBE, CD!, and PETOE, “Is it OK to eat a doughnut?”
While no official answer has been given, guidelines for doughnut acceptability have been handed down and state firmly any doughnut must be gluten-free, sugar-free and pleasure-free before it can be considered safe enough to be consumed by human beings. Also, no milk, yeast, or eggs, because there are 17 people on earth who are allergic to the combination of all three and they must be looked out for and protected at all costs.
Safety first, followed by never offending anyone ever, is the new standard. Enjoy your extended time in the mortal coil, and remember, if you have an original thought, quash it immediately and go back to following the rest of the sheep.
Film at eleven.