When Bessie’s butt attacks

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You know, I try not to make too much fun of California. There are actually spots up North that I love, but when you read things like this in the news, it’s just too easy to pass up.

Governor Jerry Brown, also known as “The Nuttiest Nut in the Nut Pile,” not only likened himself to Noah (yeah, I’m not kidding — like, the Noah in the Bible who built an ark), but he claims our lungs need to be protected from farts. Cow farts, specifically, but I’m fairly certain we’ll all be paying a “fart tax” before it’s said and done.

no-farting-signI would have given anything to see the faces of the reasonable and sane people in the room when this was proposed.

Gov. Brown: “We need to protect the people of our great state from farts.”

Everyone in the room that has sense, whispering to each other: “Brown has finally gone around the bend and over crazy hill. Someone stop him before the press gets this. Did he just say he was Noah? Oh crap. Is that a Fox News reporter? Well, hell.”

I have it on good authority that by the year 2020, all cow butts will be equipped with DPF systems. The ATA has proposed speed limiters and electronic logs for all California bovine, citing the safety of Fart Officials, who will be employed to watch the tail end of heifer herds for illegal fumigants. Because, #fartofficiallivesmatter and tired bovine specimens are known to speed around wantonly. Precisely 6.7326 lives a year will be saved by these measures, and costs to implement will be somewhere around forty-leven billion dollars. (I’m not even going to post a filthy lie alert here, because I have no doubt this is going to get as ridiculous as any filthy lie I ever told.)

According to the article I read, “The state’s Air Resources Board can also now regulate bovine flatulence, as long as there are practical ways to reduce the cows’ belching and breaking wind.”

The fact that the word practical is even in the same universe with this sentence is offensive to me. I’m forming a Facebook group and protesting as we speak.

I was reminded of the upside by a comment from one of our buddies. John Thaxton is a “glass half full” kind of guy. He says, “When the [cow butt] DPF catches fire, you got steaks!”

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So I guess there’s that.

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