You’ll put your eye out with that thing

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It’s that time of year, folks, when you can find the movie “A Christmas Story” playing on at least one channel every single day of the month. And while most of us are familiar with the general theme of Ralphie wanting a Red Ryder BB gun, not many have seen the uncut version, in which Ralphie and his mother have a similar conversation about what he wants to be when he grows up. Let’s join the tender moment, as Ralphie’s mother tucks him into bed:

“Mom? I want to be a truck driver when I grow up.”

“Oh Ralphie, honey, why don’t you choose something less dangerous? You’ll put your eye out being a trucker.”

“What? In a truck? Mom, you can’t put your eye out in a truck!”

“Oh yes you can! Did I ever tell you about your cousin George?”

“I don’t have a cousin George.”

“Go with it kid, it’s a good scene. Anyway, your cousin George was a truck driver, he almost put his eye out driving.”

“What kind of dork puts his own eye out while driving?”

“It was an accident, honey, don’t say ‘dork,’ it’s ugly. Cousin George was a brand-new trucker, just out of school, with his first CB. He was in a company truck, and couldn’t drill holes in anything to secure his mic clip, so he attached it to the netting in front of his overhead cubby. One day, he got a shout out on the CB, reached up to yank the mic, and nearly put his eye out when the netting broke and the whole mic clip slammed him in the face with the force of a small rocket. It bounced like a home-run baseball off the right orbit of his skull, and it took him a second to figure out why he had sudden, searing pain in that region of his face. Not only did he almost put his eye out, he knocked the doodle out of himself and was never right again.”

Other uses include: Projectile rocket to the face when not secured properly.Other uses include: Projectile rocket to the face when not secured properly.

“Did he wreck?”

“No, but he said it was the only time during the eight months he drove one that he was happy to have an automatic transmission, because he hit himself so hard he couldn’t have remembered what gear he was in if he had to.”

“That sounds cool.”

“No honey, self-inflicted head injuries are never cool. Now rest up, so you can be a plumber or lawyer when you grow up.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Ralphie kisses his mom good night and rolls over, more determined than ever to be a trucker when he grows up. Because Ralphie is a determined young man who can take a head shot with the best of them. Go, Ralphie!

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