15-foot cleavage holds more than one bad idea

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Updated Apr 16, 2013

That boy’s sense is few and far between visits.

This is a saying I can remember my Granddad using about a certain kid who hung around his house, making puppy dog eyes at my gorgeous Aunt Nina, for about nine years. This boy withstood the untold tortures of her older brothers, namely my father and his younger brothers, Bruce and Philip, just to chance a meeting with the ethereal Anita. Every practical joke that could be played was taken out on the kid, and he kept coming back for more. My Granddad would just shake his head and say, “That boy ain’t got good sense.”

I think of these sayings a lot when we’re out. I see and hear a lot of things that don’t make any sense at all, and seem like just plain bad ideas, no matter how they’re dressed up. The homemade billboard in Arkansas that suggests beating your kids with a cane pole is what Jesus wants is one that comes to mind readily. I’m fairly certain if you spend enough time reading billboards, not only does your IQ drop exponentially, your brain rots out and you involuntarily eat your own arm off.

OK, so maybe it’s not quite that bad, but there are some truly horrible ideas on billboards.

We were heading to Dallas, coming through Midland on the little commercial stretch. I was bored and staring out the window. Suddenly, a giant set of red breasts loomed overhead with an ominous message plastered beside 15-foot cleavage. “I CAN HELP YOU GET YOUR CDL IN THREE DAYS FOR $250.”

OK, this is a bad-idea trifecta. First: giant, billboard-sized boobies are a definite distraction, I don’t care who you are. The freakin’ Pope would take his eyes from the road to look at 30-foot boobs. I get it that the evil advertising overlords are counting on this, but it doesn’t make it a good idea. Second, get a CDL in three days? On what planet is this legal or sane? Third, I doubt this enormously endowed giantess is going to help you do anything other than make your wife talk ugly to you.

I had been mulling over the billboard for a few minutes before I asked George about it.

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“Can you really get a CDL in three days?”

“Where’d you hear that?”

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t see the giant boobie ad about that awful woman getting you a CDL in three days for $250.”

“What are you talking about? I got my CDL at Clark State.”

“I don’t mean you as in you, I mean she promises a CDL in three days for $250. C’mon babe, seriously, I know you saw it.”

“I’ve seen it. I know what you’re talking about and I think it’s a terrible idea. It’s awful. I’d never do it, ever.”

“How do they get away with it?”

“They put people in automatic trucks for the test.”

“How do you know?”

“I watched the video.”

She has a video?” [Insert hissing voice and violent eye-twitch.]

“Strictly informational. I watched it to find out how they were getting away with it. Only for information purposes.”

“I’ve got some information for you, I’m calling her ass out. I’m challenging her to a mud-wrestling match at GATS.”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to that, and frankly I’m afraid to respond at all.”

“I’m going to destroy her.”

“Oh good, well then go babe! She should be punished.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Again, I fear any response will be misinterpreted, so I opt for, ‘Let’s get a frappe at the next McDonald’s we see!””

“I hate you both equally right now.”

“Hey, there’s my sparkly girl!”

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