Billboards and brain tumors

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Updated May 6, 2013

Gargamel_and_Azrael_from_the_SmurfsOnce again, the billboards are at it.

I missed this particular ode to stupidity when we were in L.A., but happened to read an article about it on Facebook. Apparently, somewhere close to UCLA, there’s a billboard with a pretty young college girl on it, and right above her angelically lit face in ten-foot letters it says, “Need a summer job? Date a Sugar Daddy!” It goes on to give information for a vile and repugnant website, where gross old Crypt Keepers who have a little money can troll themselves a date with college girls who haven’t got enough sense to know they’re being pimped.

I was actually a little disappointed to have missed this one. I get bored with the billboards around L.A. — most of them are in Spanish or Korean and they’re all advertising cellphones. Except for the ones pimping college girls in the name of student loan debt, of course. Dangit. How did I miss that?

I’m fairly certain there’s a billboard close to that one, advertising a telephone number you must take down immediately, while driving, in case you get a DUI.

“Honey, hand me a pen and a piece of paper, I need to take that number down immediately. The attorney with a giant head is going to save me from a DUI, should I ever be caught driving drunk.”

“Dear, you already have the pet anaconda and a three-course dinner from Abuelo’s in your lap, and the speed limit just increased to 85. Are you sure you can jot it down and drive with your elbows?”

“You’re right. Hand me my cellphone and iPad. I’ll just program it into both.”

“Hey, while you’re at it, get the website address for brokering college girl flesh. Our little Cindy needs a summer job! It’ll be perfectly fine for Gargamel to paw all over her, as long as there’s cash involved!”

Seriously, people. Come on. Don’t even try to argue that it’s OK to “arrange” dates between young, nubile girls and men with ear hairs older than them for money. Don’t tell me either one of the invested parties “enjoy the conversation” or “have made some really good friends.” Shut the hell up and lie to someone else. And yes, student loans are crushing and awful, I’ve paid my fair share, and I’ll admit to selling parts of my body (in the form of plasma) to pay them back, but I never sold my soul, and I didn’t have to. Also, if you’re in college and can’t find a job that doesn’t involve marketing your own ass, you need to quit school immediately and explore other options, cause you ain’t doing it right.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to test my theory that billboards are the leading cause of brain tumors. Not with my own brain, mind you — I’ve got to find a rat who can read and force him to look at billboards for a really long time. Then I’ve got to find someone who’s willing to do a CAT scan of my reading rat’s head, to check for tumors. Science is hard. No wonder college costs so much.

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