Spaghetti sauce: More dangerous than fireworks

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Updated Jul 11, 2013

Warning: Ragu spaghetti sauce is apparently unstable and potentially more dangerous than fireworks.

This, of course, is according to the FMCSA, so their data is probably not complete.

Apparently, spaghetti sauce, diapers, beer, milk, bananas, eyeliner, jock straps, dog food and anything that is NOT classified as a firework (except for the all-powerful petroleum) were more potentially dangerous than fireworks this past week. Just that week, mind you — the fireworks revert to being dangerous after all the parties and carrying on for the holiday were over. Because lifting the HOS laws for people transporting fireworks couldn’t possibly be safe unless there was a really good reason. What was the reason, again? Oh yeah, entertainment. It’s always OK to lift HOS rules for people in the name of entertainment. Always.

I shouldn’t make fun. The FMCSA is an institution that proves above all others that you could go to school to be a graphic designer and possibly end up head of a government organization that pertains directly to commercial vehicles and freight, and has absolutely nothing to do with graphic design. Here’s how the interview goes:

“So, I see you graduated from DeVry with a degree in graphic design.”

“Yes, I did.”

“What are your qualifications to run the Federal Motor Carriers Safety Administration? Why should we appoint you?”

“Well, I drew a picture of a truck once. On the computer. It was so cool.”

“Congratulations! Welcome aboard!”

How is it that the Surgeon General has to actually be a doctor, but the people heading up the FMCSA don’t even have to have a driver’s license? Let me clarify: They do not have to hold a CDL. I’m sure many of them have driver’s licenses. I doubt very seriously any of them have ever seen the inside of a big truck or any other commercial vehicle up close, but they probably drive. Maybe. It could be so.

Anyway, I have a new destination in life. I’m going to be a French Pastry Chef. Right after I graduate from the International School of Broadcasting. Because mixing sound and mixing dough are practically the same thing, right?

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