From one diseased, unhealthy animal to another

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John LovitzThis just in: Nestle is recalling a whole bunch of their Hot Pockets because they may contain meat from diseased or unhealthy animals.

I, for one, am shocked. How could we not know that meat we pay approximately two cents a pound for could possibly be less than premium? How dare Nestle feed a bunch of diseased, unhealthy humans meat from a bunch of diseased, unhealthy cows (or marmosets, or raccoons, or possum, or whatever else they choose to grind up with the eyeballs and knuckle skin that constitute Philly Cheese Steak Hot Pockets)?

I just did an article on color — there was mention of how blue food isn’t appetizing and humans probably don’t feel a kindred-ship with blue or purple foods because way back when we were hunter-gatherers in places other than Kroger, we instinctively knew blue and purple to often be associated with rot and infection. I theorize future humans will eventually develop the same aversion to meat products costing less than a dollar. I’d like to hope the homo sapiens of the future will root through the cold case until they find a real chicken leg, intelligently discarding 89-cent “steak” burritos and thus saving themselves the horror and health risks of eating processed, ground-up, diseased goat testicles.

If the price of a meat item isn’t evidence enough to help you make good decisions about meat products, then you should possibly start paying close attention to the form the meat has taken in order to be edible. (Both the word “meat” and “edible” are loosely used terms in this sentence.) I can assure you chicken breasts do not grow in the shape of dinosaur nuggets. I have never in my life seen a cow made of meat paste wandering around, anywhere, and I’ve been everywhere, man. It’s a good bet if the meat has to be injected like fiberglass molding into whatever conveyance the food company has seen fit to feed it to you in, it’s probably not the best quality of meat.

We all know these things are bad for us, but it doesn’t make them any less delicious. The evil meat paste people have not only found ways to make us want to eat meat paste, they’ve actually made a lot of it taste good. And the fact that a great deal of the meat involved in the paste came from gonorrhea-infested gopher hides is just a testament to the constitution of the human body. They’re actually helping us build our immune systems. Yeah. That’s the ticket…

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