When healthy choices become unhealthy

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And then there was that time I almost had a heart attack while trying to make healthy eating choices.

You ssssseem tenssssse.You ssssseem tenssssse.

Actually, truth be told, I was on my never-ending search for a roadside vegetable stand North of the Mason-Dixon line that has green peanuts available. It’s not the green peanuts’ fault I intend to drown them in salty water and boil them until they’re soft, delicious little pops of briny, meaty flavor you could fatten hogs on. That’s my fault.

But back to the healthy stuff.

Since there are rarely peanuts available, I go to the second and third choices, peaches and watermelons. There is nothing better than a warm, sweet, juicy peach, especially if you can eat it standing outside, where it’s OK to drip all over the place. I have also been known to serve “watermelon” as the only menu item for dinner, much to the disappointment of people who were expecting things like “other food choices.”

It’s just now late enough in the growing season to start getting fresh corn on the cob – another favorite of mine that’s not-so-healthy when I get done with the butter and salt. It’s also not-so-healthy for people like me, who are terrified of snakes, to stick their hand in the corn crib and be accosted by a green snake they thought was a corn husk.

“Accosted” might be a harsh word, and probably the same word the snake used to describe my actions to its family, after it slithered over my finger towards the filthy snake den it came from, right below Satan’s porch, which is clearly located in close proximity to this particular fruit stand.

I’m not really sure what happened, but witnesses later reported large amounts of brain matter flying from the general vicinity of my face, when my head exploded. This may be a filthy lie, I can’t be sure, I tapped out as soon as I saw the little black eye and realized it wasn’t attached to a piece of corn. I do vaguely remember “rational me” thinking, “That snake is only as big as a pencil, it can’t devour you,” but it was drowned out by “irrational fear of snakes me,” screaming, “OHMYLORDIMGOINGTODIE!”

I would swear to my finger swelling up, just from brief contact with the vile creature, but since I was in a hysterical fugue-state, I’m going to have to trust George when he says I hurt myself snatching my hand out of the corn crib while trying to jump straight up into the air, like a frightened armadillo.

(Side note: I have no idea why this is my primal “snake reaction,” but it is. I don’t run, I just jump straight up in the air and hope for the best. Clearly, my bloodline is doomed if snakes ever decide to take over the earth.)

Needless to say, I’m a little put off by fresh corn right now. And anything that resembles a green snake, or is green, or comes in bunches snakes can hide in, or has been on a continent that supports snake-life. I was actually fairly comfortable with frozen veggies, until I had an unfortunate incident with the stem of a green bean being mistaken for a frozen snake.

Sometimes, eating healthy is hard.