10 rules of the road for riders

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Updated May 9, 2013

Just a few things I’ve learned so far:

1) DO NOT BLOCK THE MIRRORS.  The truck (or the driver) will explode and we will all die a horrible death if you do.

2) DO NOT GASP OR SAY, “OH MY FREAKING LORD!” unless your hair is on fire or a member of the Taliban has suddenly popped out of the top bunk with an RPG aimed at your face.

3) LEAVE ALL CABINETS CLOSED WHILE MOVING. A box of vanilla wafers can become a lethal weapon at 65 miles an hour on a bumpy highway.  Also, it’s very difficult to find all of the wafers that fly out of the box, and the trucker gets a little testy when there are vanilla-wafer crumbs all over  his steering wheel.

(4) DO NOT ASK, “ARE WE THERE YET?”  You will be reminded (quite frostily) that you are always there when you’re in the truck, the motion is just a side effect and necessary to get the goods to wherever they need to go.

(5) THERE ARE NO TANNING BEDS AT TRUCK STOPS, and people may make fun of you if you ask where they are.

(6) DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO YOGA ON THE BUNK while in motion. This not only aggravates the driver, it becomes a personal hazard when your “downward facing dog” is slammed into the side of an always rigid truck.

(7) NO ONE CARES IF YOUR HUNGRY, have to pee, or are bored.  That’s YOUR problem.

(8) TRUCK STOP BATHROOMS DO NOT HAVE MAKE-UP MIRRORS, and people may make fun of you if you ask where they are.

(9) NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRY TO ORDER A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES OVER A SCALE-HOUSE INTERCOM. Even if you think it’s funny, the officers manning the scale house do not.

(10) THE DOGS THEY KEEP AT BORDER CHECKPOINTS ARE NOT TO BE APPROACHED WITH BEEF JERKY. This angers everyone at the checkpoint and could possibly get your hand chewed off. By the guy holding the dog, not the dog.

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